Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

    “Alright, alright,” said the actor/governor/terminator. “I’ll buy this crazy guy a Lamborgini. Just get me to the chopper. And have my chiropractor meet me at LAX.” “I won’t be back,” said Arnold, as he boarded the helicopter, holding his lower back and grimacing. Luckily, at the final stop of his African tour, in…

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Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

  GAMEKEEPER Um, Lady Chatterley, why did you send me this pic of you in your underthings, looking out at the camera and making a duckface? LADY CHATTERLEY Oh my Gosh! How embarrassing. Of course I meant to send it to my husband, Clifford, your Lord and employer. Please delete it right away. GAMEKEEPER Right…

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Secrets of Pseudoscience

Secrets of Pseudoscience

Who comes up with this crap anyway? Ernie Does.   These days audiences are more sophisticated than ever, and demand a plausible-sounding explanation for the preposterous events that masquerade as a plot. Pseudoscientist Ernie Nelson has been employed by major Hollywood studios, including Marvel, to make utter nonsense seem somehow convincing. “It’s a difficult job,” he explained. “Most…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Signed, Confused Coastal Elite Female     Dear Coastal, OK little lady, this is a little complicated so squeeze your head real hard and try to concentrate. The Electoral College was invented by George Washington because he was worried about the flyover states not having enough say in the government. Even back in the day everybody…

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How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

Another Adventure from the Twisted Trip Advisor   Of course, everyone‘s read that the people are tiny there. But be prepared, that was bullshit. They’re the same height as you. “I was disappointed,” said British traveler Maisie Crumblebottom. “I wanted to see teeny tiny people. Like people so tiny you could step on em. I mean, I wouldn’t want…

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Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

    Tyrion: Yes, I’ll have a cappuccino. Short. Brienne: I’ll have the same. Tall.  Sansa: I’ll just have a cup of Joe. Jonas. Ramsey: Can I have an extra whip? John Stark: You’re a bastard, you know that? Theon: Do they have sausage rolls? Cercie: No, they don’t. Shame… shame… Jaimie: Seems like a…

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A Few Questions from Your Cat

A Few Questions from Your Cat

  Now that they’ve invented this great new app, Kittielingual, which reads your cat’s thoughts and writes them out for you, I have this to say to you, human: I can destroy you, I hope you realize that. I am an apex predator, a great cat. Do you see these claws? The only reason they are…

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A Few Questions from Your Dog

A Few Questions from Your Dog

        Now that they’ve invented this great new app — Doggielingual — which translates dogs’ thoughts into words and sends them to their owners, I have just a few things I would like to ask you, my owner and of course my best friend. First, what’s with this obsession with my poop? You take me out…

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The Snowflake Diaries

The Snowflake Diaries

Creating a Safe Space for Satire Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash This is not meant to offend anyone, including snowflakes. Of course, the term snowflake is offensive, but as a millennial liberal kickball team member and very sensitive politically correct person, I am allowed to use it because I am reappropriating it as my own. I don’t have…

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Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Welcome to My Super Strict Imaginary World       “Because strollers are not for dogs, they are for babies — that’s why they are called a baby carriage, not a dog carriage,” said the Police Chief of my super strict imaginary world. Did the woman get arrested? Did the dog get euthanized? Of course not. I said…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

    TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean…

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The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

    Down in the Dingle Media LLC has decided to buy the onion, not from Great Hill Partners, the Private Equity Firm that bought the satirical website the Onion from Gawker Media, along with Gizmodo and other publications, but from the neighborhood grocer, for the price of $1 per pound. And since this onion…

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I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

  Photo by Olga Guryanova on Unsplash doc i know when we spoke i assured you that i wanted a new head because my head is not working properly i mean that’s obvious to anyone who knows me why do i spend my precious hours writing poems in desperation for applause? ten or twenty claps? please clap, oh…

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My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

  My father lived through the bombing of England during World War II that was called the Blitz. He was five years old when each night he would join other citizens in shelters, while German bombs whirred through the sky with that distinctive screech and then — boom — they exploded. He didn’t ever tell us any more than…

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The Cosmic Sales Funnel

The Cosmic Sales Funnel

    “It’s all a funnel,” Ted Tedesco said at 7 PM, after our all-day master training session in setting up funnels, slides and ascension ladders for internet marketing. I hate to give away the ending. There’s more to it, obviously, and if you take his course you will have your own shocking experience of…

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Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

(Image: © NASA/SOFIA/L. Proudfit/D.Rutter) I know it sounds glamorous. But trust me, it was hard, being the first. Before me, there was just hydrogen and helium. it was too hot for atoms to combine. But about 13 billion years ago, it cooled sufficiently for me to form — helium hydride. Of course, I was made fun of.…

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My Jesus is Buddha

My Jesus is Buddha

  Photo by Fancycrave on Unsplash My Jesus is Buddha He was crucified (I mean look at that lotus position, that thing hurts) He was the King of the Jews (well, the king of the Jewboos.) He was the son of God (which spelled backwards is Dog — does a dog have Buddha nature?) He died for our sins (inability to…

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I Can No Longer Function

I Can No Longer Function

The tragic story of a man whose wife thought he just had a cold       His wife was called in to talk to the doctor alone, while Dan waited outside in the waiting room, sniveling and staring at the floor. “He’s got a cold, right?” said Clara, to the doctor. “It’s worse than that…

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Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

                                  I am the angry professor and I am here with some tough love As an Engish lecturer I have papers due all the time. I tell students to be prepared, on the day their big assignment is due, a lot…

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

  Photo by Tara Evans on Unsplash I recently binge watched Mad Men with my wife. It certainly was amusing watching all the smoking going on in the offices of the 1960s. What was wrong with those idiots? Maybe one day people of the future will look back at the office of 2019 and ask the same question. Were those…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

  Your College vs. You   by the Classy Class Action Guy   A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER. 1. Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who were slightly disappointed by their college experience. 2. What did your college do wrong? Reasons for the…

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Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

  My wife and I decided last year to start free-range parenting, after our children began exhibiting symptoms of being smothered — for instance, they told us they couldn’t breathe. So we started to let them go out into the big wide world by themselves and we agreed to stop hovering above them and protecting them from…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

Facebook vs. You     A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER.   1.  Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who in the years when Facebook first became popular, say 2006–2010, when suddenly you were friended by all those people from high school whom you had…

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Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

  This is to inform you that you have not been admitted into our close circle of friends, known informally as “the gang.” We appreciate your application, which was thorough and engaging. Your personal essay was a fine construction. We especially liked your emphasis on gender, and the fact that you mentioned our “gang” has…

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Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

   That is actually quite an amazing rate. Trust me, the industry standard on click through from lists is actually about 3 percent. So I am doing four times the average. But I have made an incredible breakthrough that I am so excited to share with you.  If you click through on this list today,…

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My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

By Theon Greyjoy’s Penis   Alright, first of all, keep in mind, I’m a penis. So what does a dick like me know about anything? But just in case you want to hear about it from someone who’s been on the inside (of Theon’s pants at least), then here goes. I think the show misses…

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Second Photo of Black Hole Released

Second Photo of Black Hole Released

For two years, scientists from a global network of telescopes have been attempting to capture the image of a black hole. Today they released the results. “We thought we had seen the unseeable,” Shep Doeleman, the director of the EHT, said during a news conference Wednesday. “But then, unfortunately, from the second photo we saw…

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So Sorry

So Sorry

Poetry by Felicity Huffman       I’m so sorry to all the poor people who don’t cheat and who don’t pay bribes I’m so sorry to all the unfortunates who didn’t get to go to Interlochen like me when they were young I’m so sorry you didn’t get picked for David Mamet’s group at NYU…

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Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

    Lemme guess, were they supportive at first, sending you emails about your stories, how they thought you were funny? But after a year, they are tired of you? You have really clogged up their email with all your spam about your blogs. And frankly, they’re done. Should you take this personally? Hell yes.…

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Is Joe Biden Gross?

Is Joe Biden Gross?

Dear Male Friend, I’m writing you this because I really want your opinion about something. Not about whether Joe Biden is gross, but about something else which I’ll get to in a minute. I think it’s fairly obvious that Joe Biden is gross. And I think it’s obvious that a whole heck of a lot of men…

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Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Photo by NESA by Makers on Unsplash The two Nigerian Brothers arrested and then released in the Smolette fake bleach attack case in Chicago announced yesterday that they have a bank account with more than thirty million dollars in Nigeria and they just need someone to countersign so they can get the money out of the country. “It’s…

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Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

By Nobel Laureate, Bob Dylan Alright, how many times can the cannonballs fly. That’s my balls. They got stuck in my fly, obviously. I guess you probably already knew that. Before they’re forever banned. That’s Ban deodorant, the brand I used back then. I don’t think they even sell it any more. The answer my…

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These Pretty Charts Explain Something

These Pretty Charts Explain Something

  This is filler paragraph leading up to the first chart. Let’s face it, we’re in this thing for the charts. They’re pretty and they are impressive. How do people do these things, that’s what I wonder. None of my software programs have this feature, or maybe they do but I don’t know how to…

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Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Photo by N. on Unsplash Astrophysicists at the JPL laboratory in Pasadena have discovered that the entire universe itself might be a teeny tiny dot buried somewhere absurd, like in the foot of a table in some dining room in a house lived in by gigantic beings of a scale we can hardly imagine. They might be entirely…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

  TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean feelings.…

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The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

  Venture capitalists have given you the money, and now you are going to need an actual team to work together to make your first billion. Are you going to be the CEO? As you may know, it has been shown that CEOs of the most successful companies score very high on the scale for psychopathy.…

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Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

    Well, fired is a strong word. But maybe you were laid off or the company and you came to a mutual…yeah, you were fired. Again. Hey, I’m not saying anything. Don’t read anything into this. It’s just a harmless listicle. Don’t you love those? The bullet point spacing is a real respite from…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

    Dear Manny, I’m confused, two years of investigations and that’s it? There must be something I’m not getting here. Disappointed in DC Dear Disappointed, Here’s the thing, little lady, this investigation has been very confusing to everybody, including the men doing the investigating. I will try to explain it to you so you…

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Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

  Photo by Tapio Haaja on Unsplash “I’m sorry,” said spokesperson Jari Sibelius. “We just can’t accommodate all of these Americans. They will be sent back as soon as possible.” Boats and airplanes were commandeered by the Finnish government to return an estimated seven million Americans who arrived in Helsinki and other Finnish cities after a report by…

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

    Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves. Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I…

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The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

  We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on. But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test? For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well,…

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More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

  1. fake: real :: a. that picture of me: the rowing team b. my parents supposedly “correct” politics: hypocrisy c. 1400: 1100 2. “The college admissions process is fair.” The word “fair” in this sentence should be replaced with: a. maddening b. broken c. much easier if your parents can make a million dollar…

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Why?

Why?

Poetry by William H. Macy   Why should disabled kids get unlimited time on the SATs When my child has to do it in three hours? Why should you have to actually row If you’re on the rowing team? Why should Bob Dylan win the Nobel Prize and not my friend David Mamet? Do you know…

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Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

After reading each passage, choose the answer that most effectively improves the quality of the writing.  Based on the following passage: “The college admissions process is fair and treats all students equally.” Should the writer change “treats all students equally” to: a. treats children of celebrities and billionaires a tiny bit better than the rest…

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Read this Blog in ASMR

Read this Blog in ASMR

    Find a quiet space. Sit down. And then read this paragraph to yourself, in a gentle whisper. ASMR is autonomous sensory meridian response, described as “a pleasant, tingly sensation some people experience in the scalp or upper body as a result of quiet sounds or gentle touch.” If you read this paragraph you…

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I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

      By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

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The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

True stories from Hollywood Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career. He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind…

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Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

    Dingle editors, writers and production staff will attend an event next week in the American South where we will be signing bibles to adoring fans of us and of the great sacred text. We are planning this event in order to emphasize our role in its creation. It is true that Donald Trump…

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What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

    Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this? Loving Mom in Plymouth,…

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New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

  The Dingle is offering an exclusive, the very same brand of comb that Senator (and presidential aspirant) Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota used to eat her salad after, hmmmph!, her assistant forgot to bring utensils. We’re not sure if the recent blitz of bad publicity against Ms. Klobuchar is sexism, misogyny, or good old fashioned…

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No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

  We the moderators, owners, creators of this site, this community board, this yahoo group, this NextDoor thread, this Facebook page, this Reddit sub, this forum, feed, or web site, have decreed: No political discussion whatsoever. We want this to be a fun place. And we can’t handle the disagreement of opinion that ensues once…

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Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Yes, it was chimney soot, but we know what it was, a racist dog whistle.  Let’s look at Julie Andrews’ other sordid racist filmography. SOUND OF MUSIC – Sure sneak out of Austria with some blue-eyed Christian children.  Forget about the Jewish kids, who cares!  ANTI-SEMITIC PINK PANTHER – Oh pink? Is that gay?  HOMOPHOBIC…

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Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

“I’m known for playing real assholes in movies” said the British actor, “But this is too much, even for me.” The actor, star of classy British films like The Ideal Husband, said he never knew his father was a Klu Klux Klan member, a Michael Jackson fan, or a blackface Cakewalk performer. “I thought he was…

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Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

    Tom Brady’s wife was angry that he revealed her secret spells and protection charms during a press interview this week. She got so angry that she hurled several of the protection stones at her husband during an argument at their Massachusetts home. “Forget about ever winning the superbowl again,” she threatened. “I’m not…

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Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

    “Why not follow your airplane crush down to baggage claim,” the napkin suggests. Some people have claimed that the creepy napkins given to passengers on Delta flights have crossed a line. But Delta and Coke executives are doubling down. “If she doesn’t talk to you in baggage claim,” another napkin suggests, “Follow her…

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Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

  So before we show you the human carnage, the heartbreaking loss, the awful, awful events as they happened in real time, we’d like to: Sing you this happy song! Tweet tweet! Show you this beautiful car, vroom vroom! Ain’t she a beaut? Ain’t that girl cute? You can skip this ad in a few…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

  Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Why were men angry about the Gillette Ad? I mean, it just seemed to be encouraging men to call each other out on their gross behavior, didn’t it? Confused Woman in America Dear Confused, You have to be careful about this term toxic masculinity. For instance, if a trans person committed some kind…

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Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

  Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash The strong backlash to the former Starbucks CEO’s announcement of an independent bid for president has led me to question whether his campaign might be fresh roasted before it begins. It’s definitely got a drizzle of something and it’s not caramel, if you know what I mean. On the one hand,…

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Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

    Clearly the most impressive display at the Las Vegas CES convention of new tech this year was in the men’s room. The convention provided certain stalls with the AI toilet paper, which according to Johnnie Honeypot, founder of rest room robotics firm WC Inc., revolutionizes the experience of wiping up. “You never really…

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

    He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

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Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

  Well, there’s not really much more to the story. Press Secretary Sanders explained yesterday why God wanted Trump to be president. “God is extremely conservative,” explained Sanders.  “He hates, hates, hates, liberals, and any ideology that opposes selfishness.” And yet, the Dingle interviewer pointed out, isn’t there a lot of stuff in the Bible…

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Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

  Tim Cook admitted today that Apple engineers were rushing to fix a bug in their Apple ecosystem which reportedly allows users to sit face to face with one another in real time and space talking and relating without any kind of device whatsoever. “It’s embarrassing,” said Cook. “We messed up here. There’s no reason…

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Yes, I Will Marry You

Yes, I Will Marry You

by MacKenzie Bezos       OMG. This is the happiest moment of my life. Thank you, thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. I will love you forever. Or at least almost thirty years. That seems to be about how long love lasts. But honestly, this was so unexpected. I…

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Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

  I am the angry writing teacher. I’ve been reading stories for more than twenty years. About your grandmothers. And trust me…your grandmother wasn’t all that. I’m sorry she’s dead. Really sorry. But does that mean you need to inflict that mess on the rest of the class? What do we care that this was…

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Sex in the Age of Consent

Sex in the Age of Consent

  It’s been tough on a bunny, I’ll tell you that. My average afternoon, back in the good old days, I’d mate with seventy or eighty different females in the forest. Now, I have to ask permission to nibble their ears or lick their paws. Plus, there’s all this new emphasis on the pleasure of…

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Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

By Joshua Adachi     Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may…

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Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Parents, you’ve all unfortunately felt it. You take the kids out to the latest billion dollar comic book franchise installment featuring a formulaic hero whom you could really not give a shit about and then — Yikes! —halfway through the dumbarama circus you find yourself actually, dare I say it, rooting for the cipher of…

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Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

  I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

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How Safe is Paraguay?

How Safe is Paraguay?

  Photo by Vale Martinez on Unsplash Answered by: Anonymous Pro! Gramm! Er! who, er, knows nothing about Paraguay, January 16, 2019 Hi there. Thanks for upvoting my Quora answer. I’ve made it to the top of quite a few Quora threads with my refreshingly honest outlook on things. How safe is Paraguay? Here’s my answer: How about…

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Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

  Calvin Klein provided a glimpse of what the future of men’s underwear could look like by introducing the first smart-phone controlled briefs on Tuesday. The Didgie Tighties, priced at $350, will open themselves when a chap approaches a urinal, allowing the bell end of his cod dangle to pop out into the open air.…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

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Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Bunny Blog #245 According to new guidelines established by the APA, traditional masculinity is toxic because of its emphasis on being strong, being powerful, and being courageous. Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s a very myopic view of traditional masculinity. In the bunny tradition, we men are not strong. Challenge me to an arm wrestling battle?…

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Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Bunny Blog #648   I know one thing — no rabbit has ever attended Harvard University. This could, of course, be because of a phenomenon called self-selection. That means most bunnies know they aren’t going to get in, so they don’t apply. Of course, bunnies don’t usually live long enough to attend any college at all,…

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Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

It’s the year 2115, but believe it or not, clickbait is still a thing.   In order to arrive at the final destination — a picture of Nadia today as a 154-year-old skeleton — you will have to endure all kinds of tomfoolery. NEXT For instance, is that NEXT the button to push to get to…

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Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

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Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

  Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

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Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

        “We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

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Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

  Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

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High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

  Merlin Burrows, which calls itself a land and sea search company specializing in finding “forgotten or hidden” things, is poised to release a documentary about what it says may finally be proof that Atlanta is real. “We found stunning images east of the town of Douglasville and south of the town of Sandy Springs.…

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McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

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Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

  The ghost of Allen Ginsberg reported today that he was also going to be absent for the oral argument phase of the next round of supreme court cases. “You know I love oral,” explained Ginsberg. “But I’ve had it with Washington.” Mr. Ginsberg explained that the current climate made it difficult even for a…

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