Author: simon

Simon Black lives in Los Angeles, California. He's always been fascinated by the dingle, the dark place down in the cleft between two hills. It's at once a disturbing place and a place where one can remain hidden, safe.
Autopsy Finds Bill Clinton’s Handprint On Jeffrey Epstein’s Neck

Autopsy Finds Bill Clinton’s Handprint On Jeffrey Epstein’s Neck

Prince Andrew’s prints found on Epstein’s wrists   Photo by thom masat on Unsplash A Clinton spokesman denies that Bill Clinton was anywhere near the prison when Jeffrey Epstein died, but apparently his fingerprints tell a different story. Prince Andrew is well known to be a helicopter pilot. Some conspiracy theorists have speculated that he piloted the chopper…

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So You Turned Into A Giant Cockroach — Now What?

So You Turned Into A Giant Cockroach — Now What?

  First, don’t panic. No, you’re life isn’t over. I know, I know, poor Gregor Samsa  dies in the end— spoiler alert! — but that was 1915. Things are different for giant cockroaches today. We have evolved as a society. We accept so much more than we did back in the last century.  We accept you. Here’s a…

Were Shakespeare’s Plays Written by an Extraterrestrial?

Were Shakespeare’s Plays Written by an Extraterrestrial?

  Photo by Miriam Espacio on Unsplash Scholars have been suspicious for a while about Shakespeare. He was a dumb actor. How could he possibly have written those great plays? Some scholars think it was a poncy rich aristocrat who was reluctant to have his great name associated with the theatre. Recently, feminists have wondered if it might have…

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Trouble on the Tennis Court

Trouble on the Tennis Court

Can The Subaltern Speak More Quietly Please?     Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash A couple of old white guys were playing tennis in Cambridge, Mass. the other day when the following unpleasantness ensued. In the court next to them were two millennials, one an Indian (South Asian) male and the other a white female. They had…

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The Game of Life, Updated for 2020

The Game of Life, Updated for 2020

More hip, more tech-savvy, and more energy-efficient by Simon Black All original artwork by Caleigh Clark     Photo by Randy Fath on Unsplash We at Milton Bradley are pleased to announce long overdue revisions to bring the Game of Life more up-to-date. New Gender Pegs The blue peg is the same, but it is now called cis-male, and the…

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How To Decline An Invitation

How To Decline An Invitation

  In A Word, Lie     Photo by Reagan Freeman on Unsplash The truth is not good enough, sorry. You just want to stay home, that’s the truth. This is true whether they invited you to: DINNER: No, you don’t want to go over to their house — it’s far away, they’re boring and drinking destroys your…

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The Story of an Hour

The Story of an Hour

  Not by Kate Chopin, but by Chopin the Pianist   Photo by Dolo Iglesias on Unsplash So, I’ve been thinking of branching into fiction writing. I’m sick of the piano, to be quite honest. And I’ve recently hooked up with this writer chic, she’s cool. Her name is George Sand, no, I’m not gay, she’s really a…

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Geoffrey’s List

Geoffrey’s List

  Find Chaucerian Craftsmen and Functionaries Today!       Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash Even more popular than Angie’s List these days is Geoffrey Chaucer’s helpful database of reviews of occupations that have become somewhat obscure. Find top-rated certified pros for your arcane and strange needs. Popular Services Knights Millers Reeves Cooks Men of Law Friars…

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The Sorrows of Young Werther’s Original

The Sorrows of Young Werther’s Original

  The sugar-free caramel coffee-flavored hard candy, not the suicidal 18th-century victim of unrequited love         Photo by Operamania licensed creative commons from ipernity.com   Dear Wilhelm, I am a sugar-free coffee flavored hard candy named Werther, or more formally, Werther’s Original. It has come to my intention that I am the…

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More than half of all millennials only have enough avocado toast to last one week

More than half of all millennials only have enough avocado toast to last one week

  The sorry state of young people’s contingency plans   Photo by Anna Pelzer on Unsplash Shocking news from the Department of Commerce, Savings and Legerdemain revealed today that most young adults are living a “string of their pants”, “barely making it,” “toast to toast existence. One major unforeseen expense could leave them entirely without avocado toast, and…

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AMERICAN SONGBOOK

AMERICAN SONGBOOK

THE FEMALE FACT CHECKER’S SEXISM COMPILATION by Christina Stevens   Photo by David Beale on Unsplash After seeing some of his American Songbook fact checks, I did point out to writer Simon Black that the American Songbook was famously sexist. He then challenged me to write an expose and to strike out the songs forever from the canon of American music…

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A Ghost’s Guide to Ghosting

A Ghost’s Guide to Ghosting

A Passive Aggressive Poltergeist’s Tips on Vanishing by Christine Stevens     Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash Look, anybody can disappear completely on someone who’s made you angry. That’s becoming invisible. You block their number, unfriend them, and poof you’ve disappeared. But ghosts are only partly invisible to their enemies. They can still see our vague transparent outline.…

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Dating Advice for Vicars Spurned by Beautiful Women in 19th Century British Novels

Dating Advice for Vicars Spurned by Beautiful Women in 19th Century British Novels

No longer need you be conventional, stuffy and unsexy by Christine Stevens       Photo by Nikola Knezevic on Unsplash   So, young man of the cloth, you find yourself in the midst of a delightful 19th century English novel, attracted to the headstrong, outspoken and very beautiful heroine? You’re feeling pretty good about your chances? I’ve…

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I Married a Meme

I Married a Meme

This is my story   by Christine Stevens   Photo by Wendy Rake on Unsplash I met this wonderful Meme online, surprise surprise. Isn’t that where everyone meets their SO these days. But it wasn’t Tinder. It was on Youtube. I found this incredible video of a Haribo Gummy Bear singing “Someone Like You,” and then the camera…

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Be in Your Soul

Be in Your Soul

I gave mindfulness a try, I prefer soulfulness by Christine Stevens   Photo by Jared Rice on Unsplash Here in Los Angeles it seems that everyone I run into has been talking about being more mindful — either as a practitioner, student or even teacher. But without a spiritual component, the idea of “being mindful” seems to rub…

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They Raped Each Other

They Raped Each Other

Now They’re Both in Jail by Christine Stevens   Photo by Huy Phan on Unsplash He had sex with her, and she had sex with him. It wasn’t bad. But afterwards, they both felt weird about it. She went to the police and told them she had sex and felt weird about it afterwards. The police went to…

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Mom vs. Mom

Mom vs. Mom

Stay-at-Home Moms Fight to the Death Against Working Moms in Ultimate Deathbattle by Christine Stevens   Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash   Who will win? You score each round and total them up at the end to decide which Mom team is better. Then in real life, when you have kids, you will understand the strange acrimony…

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Sex While Driving

Sex While Driving

Does auto-pilot make it possible? by Christine Stevens     Photo by Roberto Nickson on Unsplash My boyfriend has the latest Tesla with the latest update to what Elon Musk called Auto Pilot — the one he said is capable of doing 90 percent of the driving for you, while you….do whatever. Everybody asked us last week, as…

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The Temptation of Eve

The Temptation of Eve

Female Desire Comes Under Attack in the Garden of Eden by Christine Stevens     Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash Yeah, sorry I have to type this with one hand, cause I’m holding up these fig leaves with the other hand. OMG, I am like totally naked! Why didn’t anybody ever tell me that? I mean,…

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The Sexiest Song Ever Written

The Sexiest Song Ever Written

  “There’s a Hole in the Bucket” by Christine Stevens     Photo by MAX LIBERTINE on Unsplash Some songs are about having sex all night long, for instance, the terrific “All Night Long,” by Lionel Ritchie. But what other song is about having sex for all eternity? You might have missed the innuendo when you heard it…

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What Those RSVPs To Your Birthday Party Really Mean

What Those RSVPs To Your Birthday Party Really Mean

Unpacking the double-speak of Evite liars       Photo by Helena Hertz on Unsplash You gave everybody two months notice. Granted, you didn’t fork over the 20 dollars for Paperless Post but you used Evite, which is a reputable service. You invited 75 of your closest friends. You got some yes’s. Those are your real friends. Now,…

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My Dog Watches Me Masturbate

My Dog Watches Me Masturbate

Is that bestiality?   by Christine Stevens       My Photo by Bruce Williamson on Unsplash I don’t know what he’s thinking. He knows the drill, though, that’s for sure. If ever I find myself at home alone in the afternoon, up the stairs I march, into the secret dresser drawer I go, and out I pull my…

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The Death of Ivan Ilyich

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

Summer Sequel Series Part Two, Still Dead, Still Angry They have sequels of dumb movies all summer for the daft. How about some summer sequels for the intelligentsia?     You may remember from our first go round that Ivan Ilyich was putting up some curtains and he kind of fell and hurt his side. This being…

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Death of a Salesman

Death of a Salesman

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: Still Dead, Still Selling   They have sequels of dumb movies all summer for the daft. How about some summer sequels for the intelligentsia? Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash Willie Loman is having even less success as a salesman now that he’s dead. Dead Willie: Ring ring. Man: Yes? Dead Willie: Hello sir, a…

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The Selfie of Dorian Gray

The Selfie of Dorian Gray

  Summer Sequels Series   Dorian took such a nice selfie of himself at the Huntington Gardens in front of the Shakespeare statue, with his selfie stick. “I am so young and good-looking,” he said to himself. Then he went to the Apple Store in the Glendale Galleria and had a strange encounter with weird…

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The Trial

The Trial

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: Dead. But Still on Trial. I seem to have taken on the task of crafting impossible sequels, that is, sequels to works which one might assume could never be “sequelled.” And yet, Kafka’s works feel like they could end at any point in the text, or continue on interminably in sequel after…

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The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: I take the more traveled road   Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by but now for the sequel I return to that fork and take the other turn and I find that since its the more ordinary way to go I am…

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Catching the white whale is his “white whale”

Catching the white whale is his “white whale”

Everybody has that one thing they’re obsessed with.   My name’s Ishamel, or Ish, that’s what everybody calls me. I’m on board the Pequod serving under Captain Ahab, who doesn’t seem to understand metaphor or idiom. Catching Moby Dick has really been the biggest ambition and obsession of Captain Ahab’s life, and of course the idiomatic term…

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The Museum of Ice Cream People Planning New Ventures

The Museum of Ice Cream People Planning New Ventures

Upcoming projects planned for major cities Has the Museum of Ice Cream come to your city? It’s so fun. It’s basically a bunch of rooms filled with ice cream and candy and fun things, instead of boring old paintings of seascapes. It just goes to prove that art doesn’t have to be hard work. it can…

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Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

    “Alright, alright,” said the actor/governor/terminator. “I’ll buy this crazy guy a Lamborgini. Just get me to the chopper. And have my chiropractor meet me at LAX.” “I won’t be back,” said Arnold, as he boarded the helicopter, holding his lower back and grimacing. Luckily, at the final stop of his African tour, in…

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Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

  GAMEKEEPER Um, Lady Chatterley, why did you send me this pic of you in your underthings, looking out at the camera and making a duckface? LADY CHATTERLEY Oh my Gosh! How embarrassing. Of course I meant to send it to my husband, Clifford, your Lord and employer. Please delete it right away. GAMEKEEPER Right…

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Secrets of Pseudoscience

Secrets of Pseudoscience

Who comes up with this crap anyway? Ernie Does.   These days audiences are more sophisticated than ever, and demand a plausible-sounding explanation for the preposterous events that masquerade as a plot. Pseudoscientist Ernie Nelson has been employed by major Hollywood studios, including Marvel, to make utter nonsense seem somehow convincing. “It’s a difficult job,” he explained. “Most…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Signed, Confused Coastal Elite Female     Dear Coastal, OK little lady, this is a little complicated so squeeze your head real hard and try to concentrate. The Electoral College was invented by George Washington because he was worried about the flyover states not having enough say in the government. Even back in the day everybody…

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How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

Another Adventure from the Twisted Trip Advisor   Of course, everyone‘s read that the people are tiny there. But be prepared, that was bullshit. They’re the same height as you. “I was disappointed,” said British traveler Maisie Crumblebottom. “I wanted to see teeny tiny people. Like people so tiny you could step on em. I mean, I wouldn’t want…

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Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

    Tyrion: Yes, I’ll have a cappuccino. Short. Brienne: I’ll have the same. Tall.  Sansa: I’ll just have a cup of Joe. Jonas. Ramsey: Can I have an extra whip? John Stark: You’re a bastard, you know that? Theon: Do they have sausage rolls? Cercie: No, they don’t. Shame… shame… Jaimie: Seems like a…

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A Few Questions from Your Cat

A Few Questions from Your Cat

  Now that they’ve invented this great new app, Kittielingual, which reads your cat’s thoughts and writes them out for you, I have this to say to you, human: I can destroy you, I hope you realize that. I am an apex predator, a great cat. Do you see these claws? The only reason they are…

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A Few Questions from Your Dog

A Few Questions from Your Dog

        Now that they’ve invented this great new app — Doggielingual — which translates dogs’ thoughts into words and sends them to their owners, I have just a few things I would like to ask you, my owner and of course my best friend. First, what’s with this obsession with my poop? You take me out…

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The Snowflake Diaries

The Snowflake Diaries

Creating a Safe Space for Satire Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash This is not meant to offend anyone, including snowflakes. Of course, the term snowflake is offensive, but as a millennial liberal kickball team member and very sensitive politically correct person, I am allowed to use it because I am reappropriating it as my own. I don’t have…

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Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Welcome to My Super Strict Imaginary World       “Because strollers are not for dogs, they are for babies — that’s why they are called a baby carriage, not a dog carriage,” said the Police Chief of my super strict imaginary world. Did the woman get arrested? Did the dog get euthanized? Of course not. I said…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

    TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean…

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The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

    Down in the Dingle Media LLC has decided to buy the onion, not from Great Hill Partners, the Private Equity Firm that bought the satirical website the Onion from Gawker Media, along with Gizmodo and other publications, but from the neighborhood grocer, for the price of $1 per pound. And since this onion…

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I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

  Photo by Olga Guryanova on Unsplash doc i know when we spoke i assured you that i wanted a new head because my head is not working properly i mean that’s obvious to anyone who knows me why do i spend my precious hours writing poems in desperation for applause? ten or twenty claps? please clap, oh…

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My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

  My father lived through the bombing of England during World War II that was called the Blitz. He was five years old when each night he would join other citizens in shelters, while German bombs whirred through the sky with that distinctive screech and then — boom — they exploded. He didn’t ever tell us any more than…

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The Cosmic Sales Funnel

The Cosmic Sales Funnel

    “It’s all a funnel,” Ted Tedesco said at 7 PM, after our all-day master training session in setting up funnels, slides and ascension ladders for internet marketing. I hate to give away the ending. There’s more to it, obviously, and if you take his course you will have your own shocking experience of…

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Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

(Image: © NASA/SOFIA/L. Proudfit/D.Rutter) I know it sounds glamorous. But trust me, it was hard, being the first. Before me, there was just hydrogen and helium. it was too hot for atoms to combine. But about 13 billion years ago, it cooled sufficiently for me to form — helium hydride. Of course, I was made fun of.…

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My Jesus is Buddha

My Jesus is Buddha

  Photo by Fancycrave on Unsplash My Jesus is Buddha He was crucified (I mean look at that lotus position, that thing hurts) He was the King of the Jews (well, the king of the Jewboos.) He was the son of God (which spelled backwards is Dog — does a dog have Buddha nature?) He died for our sins (inability to…

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I Can No Longer Function

I Can No Longer Function

The tragic story of a man whose wife thought he just had a cold       His wife was called in to talk to the doctor alone, while Dan waited outside in the waiting room, sniveling and staring at the floor. “He’s got a cold, right?” said Clara, to the doctor. “It’s worse than that…

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Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

                                  I am the angry professor and I am here with some tough love As an Engish lecturer I have papers due all the time. I tell students to be prepared, on the day their big assignment is due, a lot…

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

  Photo by Tara Evans on Unsplash I recently binge watched Mad Men with my wife. It certainly was amusing watching all the smoking going on in the offices of the 1960s. What was wrong with those idiots? Maybe one day people of the future will look back at the office of 2019 and ask the same question. Were those…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

  Your College vs. You   by the Classy Class Action Guy   A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER. 1. Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who were slightly disappointed by their college experience. 2. What did your college do wrong? Reasons for the…

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Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

  My wife and I decided last year to start free-range parenting, after our children began exhibiting symptoms of being smothered — for instance, they told us they couldn’t breathe. So we started to let them go out into the big wide world by themselves and we agreed to stop hovering above them and protecting them from…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

Facebook vs. You     A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER.   1.  Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who in the years when Facebook first became popular, say 2006–2010, when suddenly you were friended by all those people from high school whom you had…

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Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

  This is to inform you that you have not been admitted into our close circle of friends, known informally as “the gang.” We appreciate your application, which was thorough and engaging. Your personal essay was a fine construction. We especially liked your emphasis on gender, and the fact that you mentioned our “gang” has…

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Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

   That is actually quite an amazing rate. Trust me, the industry standard on click through from lists is actually about 3 percent. So I am doing four times the average. But I have made an incredible breakthrough that I am so excited to share with you.  If you click through on this list today,…

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My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

By Theon Greyjoy’s Penis   Alright, first of all, keep in mind, I’m a penis. So what does a dick like me know about anything? But just in case you want to hear about it from someone who’s been on the inside (of Theon’s pants at least), then here goes. I think the show misses…

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Second Photo of Black Hole Released

Second Photo of Black Hole Released

For two years, scientists from a global network of telescopes have been attempting to capture the image of a black hole. Today they released the results. “We thought we had seen the unseeable,” Shep Doeleman, the director of the EHT, said during a news conference Wednesday. “But then, unfortunately, from the second photo we saw…

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So Sorry

So Sorry

Poetry by Felicity Huffman       I’m so sorry to all the poor people who don’t cheat and who don’t pay bribes I’m so sorry to all the unfortunates who didn’t get to go to Interlochen like me when they were young I’m so sorry you didn’t get picked for David Mamet’s group at NYU…

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Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

    Lemme guess, were they supportive at first, sending you emails about your stories, how they thought you were funny? But after a year, they are tired of you? You have really clogged up their email with all your spam about your blogs. And frankly, they’re done. Should you take this personally? Hell yes.…

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Is Joe Biden Gross?

Is Joe Biden Gross?

Dear Male Friend, I’m writing you this because I really want your opinion about something. Not about whether Joe Biden is gross, but about something else which I’ll get to in a minute. I think it’s fairly obvious that Joe Biden is gross. And I think it’s obvious that a whole heck of a lot of men…

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Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Photo by NESA by Makers on Unsplash The two Nigerian Brothers arrested and then released in the Smolette fake bleach attack case in Chicago announced yesterday that they have a bank account with more than thirty million dollars in Nigeria and they just need someone to countersign so they can get the money out of the country. “It’s…

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Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

By Nobel Laureate, Bob Dylan Alright, how many times can the cannonballs fly. That’s my balls. They got stuck in my fly, obviously. I guess you probably already knew that. Before they’re forever banned. That’s Ban deodorant, the brand I used back then. I don’t think they even sell it any more. The answer my…

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These Pretty Charts Explain Something

These Pretty Charts Explain Something

  This is filler paragraph leading up to the first chart. Let’s face it, we’re in this thing for the charts. They’re pretty and they are impressive. How do people do these things, that’s what I wonder. None of my software programs have this feature, or maybe they do but I don’t know how to…

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Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Photo by N. on Unsplash Astrophysicists at the JPL laboratory in Pasadena have discovered that the entire universe itself might be a teeny tiny dot buried somewhere absurd, like in the foot of a table in some dining room in a house lived in by gigantic beings of a scale we can hardly imagine. They might be entirely…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

  TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean feelings.…

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The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

  Venture capitalists have given you the money, and now you are going to need an actual team to work together to make your first billion. Are you going to be the CEO? As you may know, it has been shown that CEOs of the most successful companies score very high on the scale for psychopathy.…

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Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

    Well, fired is a strong word. But maybe you were laid off or the company and you came to a mutual…yeah, you were fired. Again. Hey, I’m not saying anything. Don’t read anything into this. It’s just a harmless listicle. Don’t you love those? The bullet point spacing is a real respite from…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

    Dear Manny, I’m confused, two years of investigations and that’s it? There must be something I’m not getting here. Disappointed in DC Dear Disappointed, Here’s the thing, little lady, this investigation has been very confusing to everybody, including the men doing the investigating. I will try to explain it to you so you…

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Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

  Photo by Tapio Haaja on Unsplash “I’m sorry,” said spokesperson Jari Sibelius. “We just can’t accommodate all of these Americans. They will be sent back as soon as possible.” Boats and airplanes were commandeered by the Finnish government to return an estimated seven million Americans who arrived in Helsinki and other Finnish cities after a report by…

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

    Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves. Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I…

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The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

  We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on. But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test? For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well,…

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More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

  1. fake: real :: a. that picture of me: the rowing team b. my parents supposedly “correct” politics: hypocrisy c. 1400: 1100 2. “The college admissions process is fair.” The word “fair” in this sentence should be replaced with: a. maddening b. broken c. much easier if your parents can make a million dollar…

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Why?

Why?

Poetry by William H. Macy   Why should disabled kids get unlimited time on the SATs When my child has to do it in three hours? Why should you have to actually row If you’re on the rowing team? Why should Bob Dylan win the Nobel Prize and not my friend David Mamet? Do you know…

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Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

After reading each passage, choose the answer that most effectively improves the quality of the writing.  Based on the following passage: “The college admissions process is fair and treats all students equally.” Should the writer change “treats all students equally” to: a. treats children of celebrities and billionaires a tiny bit better than the rest…

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Read this Blog in ASMR

Read this Blog in ASMR

    Find a quiet space. Sit down. And then read this paragraph to yourself, in a gentle whisper. ASMR is autonomous sensory meridian response, described as “a pleasant, tingly sensation some people experience in the scalp or upper body as a result of quiet sounds or gentle touch.” If you read this paragraph you…

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I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

      By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

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The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

True stories from Hollywood Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career. He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind…

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Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

    Dingle editors, writers and production staff will attend an event next week in the American South where we will be signing bibles to adoring fans of us and of the great sacred text. We are planning this event in order to emphasize our role in its creation. It is true that Donald Trump…

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What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

    Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this? Loving Mom in Plymouth,…

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New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

  The Dingle is offering an exclusive, the very same brand of comb that Senator (and presidential aspirant) Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota used to eat her salad after, hmmmph!, her assistant forgot to bring utensils. We’re not sure if the recent blitz of bad publicity against Ms. Klobuchar is sexism, misogyny, or good old fashioned…

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No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

  We the moderators, owners, creators of this site, this community board, this yahoo group, this NextDoor thread, this Facebook page, this Reddit sub, this forum, feed, or web site, have decreed: No political discussion whatsoever. We want this to be a fun place. And we can’t handle the disagreement of opinion that ensues once…

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Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Yes, it was chimney soot, but we know what it was, a racist dog whistle.  Let’s look at Julie Andrews’ other sordid racist filmography. SOUND OF MUSIC – Sure sneak out of Austria with some blue-eyed Christian children.  Forget about the Jewish kids, who cares!  ANTI-SEMITIC PINK PANTHER – Oh pink? Is that gay?  HOMOPHOBIC…

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Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

“I’m known for playing real assholes in movies” said the British actor, “But this is too much, even for me.” The actor, star of classy British films like The Ideal Husband, said he never knew his father was a Klu Klux Klan member, a Michael Jackson fan, or a blackface Cakewalk performer. “I thought he was…

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Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

    Tom Brady’s wife was angry that he revealed her secret spells and protection charms during a press interview this week. She got so angry that she hurled several of the protection stones at her husband during an argument at their Massachusetts home. “Forget about ever winning the superbowl again,” she threatened. “I’m not…

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Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

    “Why not follow your airplane crush down to baggage claim,” the napkin suggests. Some people have claimed that the creepy napkins given to passengers on Delta flights have crossed a line. But Delta and Coke executives are doubling down. “If she doesn’t talk to you in baggage claim,” another napkin suggests, “Follow her…

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