Author: simon

Simon Black lives in Los Angeles, California. He's always been fascinated by the dingle, the dark place down in the cleft between two hills. It's at once a disturbing place and a place where one can remain hidden, safe.
People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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How’s Canada Feeling Today?

How’s Canada Feeling Today?

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me? Please follow and like us:

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

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The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you.  4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5.  Oh wait! WTF! …

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism.  But how safe are those tattoos?  Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers.  You have to assess the risk for yourself.  There…

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Celtic Women Gone Wild

Celtic Women Gone Wild

Erotic Retelling of the Wooing of Etain by Colt Stevens   Dedicated to my darling wife, who is my Etain and my goddess. Chapter One (in which a great God fucks a river Goddess while her husband is out) Our story begins with the birth of Aengus Mac Od, the young born, the fastest born, the…

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Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash   “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other.  “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road.  “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

  There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men.  The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down.  I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

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The Sapiosexuals

The Sapiosexuals

by Christina Stevens I was instantly interested.  I had never met anyone in Los Angeles who had even heard of the great late French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan.  But at a party in West Hollywood, he said that my comment was very Lacanian. “Lacan himself couldn’t utter his entire theory,” I claimed.  “Because he said the…

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Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

By Serena Williams   Thanks a lot Martina Navratilova, for shaming me and marginalizing me even more than I was already marginalized.  Guess what, you can’t hurt me.  What marginalizes me only makes me stronger.   For those that don’t know, the ugly old tennis player from Czechoslovakia (A country that doesn’t even exist by…

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Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open. “She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King.  “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria.  But when men do it, it’s considered…

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