Author: simon

Simon Black lives in Los Angeles, California. He's always been fascinated by the dingle, the dark place down in the cleft between two hills. It's at once a disturbing place and a place where one can remain hidden, safe.
People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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How’s Canada Feeling Today?

How’s Canada Feeling Today?

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me? Please follow and like us:

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

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The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you.  4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5.  Oh wait! WTF! …

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism.  But how safe are those tattoos?  Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers.  You have to assess the risk for yourself.  There…

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Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash   “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other.  “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road.  “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

  There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men.  The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down.  I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

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The Sapiosexuals

The Sapiosexuals

by Christina Stevens I was instantly interested.  I had never met anyone in Los Angeles who had even heard of the great late French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan.  But at a party in West Hollywood, he said that my comment was very Lacanian. “Lacan himself couldn’t utter his entire theory,” I claimed.  “Because he said the…

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Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

By Serena Williams   Thanks a lot Martina Navratilova, for shaming me and marginalizing me even more than I was already marginalized.  Guess what, you can’t hurt me.  What marginalizes me only makes me stronger.   For those that don’t know, the ugly old tennis player from Czechoslovakia (A country that doesn’t even exist by…

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Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open. “She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King.  “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria.  But when men do it, it’s considered…

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How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

1. You have a cleaning lady because: a. You hate cleaning   b. you are too busy to clean   c) people from developing countries are better at cleaning   d) that’s an offensive term – please use something that sounds more innocuous so we can all feel better about ourselves 2. You tidy up before the cleaning…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

MUSK:  This is Elon. ME:  Hi, it’s Simon Black calling again. MUSK:  Who?  Sorry. ME:  I saw you’re going through a tough time in the news.  I’m sorry buddy. MUSK:  Oh, don’t’ pay any attention to that bullshit.  It’s fake news.  Trump is right about that.  I’m not on drugs.  It’s bullshit. ME:  I know. …

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The internet is dominated by feudal lords, say Google, Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat etc.  These noble lords have great tracts of cyber real estate which they control in much the same way medieval feudal lords controlled the land in Europe.  These organizations and web sites make strict rules that they enforce within their ecosystem to hold…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

Photo by Sasha • Stories on Unsplash It was quite astonishing to read in the online journal Palimpest the other day a complete reinterpretation of Borges’ most famous story. The literary world has been stunned by the publication of such a bold and deliberate piece of provocation. Whatever the permanent effect on literature that Simon Black’s “‘Borges and I’ by Simon Black”…

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If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash   As pastor here in Los Angeles I get asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. I thought I would take this time out in the weekly church newsletter to attempt an answer. I’ll warn you, though, this is a tough one. I’m…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town?  This could get ugly fast.  How are you going to eat?  How will pay your rent?  What about healthcare – you know…

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A Plea from Sasquatch

A Plea from Sasquatch

Please, America.  Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you?  Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…

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There’s a Muslim on my flight

There’s a Muslim on my flight

  There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What?  I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something   There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What?  I’m…

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Consent Porn

Consent Porn

Erotic fiction for the Metoo era by Simon Black. “As they collapsed in an embrace on the bed, Jen felt the passion tingling in her sex.  “Make love to me, Pablo,” she cried. “Absolutely,” responded Pablo, his brown eyes blazing with desire.  “Let’s make the preparations.  I’d like you to meet my lawyer, Jeffrey Goldblatt,…

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Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Scientists today announced the results of a multi year study.  The results – following your bliss is a recipe for disaster. “Most people who follow their bliss end up homeless, abandoned, and alone,” said Cynthia Cahill-Smythe, PhD at West State University, Auburn.  “We find that it’s much better to follow something that annoys you and…

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Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

This is what I ate today: Breakfast  An egg 50 calories Coffee w/cream 30 calories Crow, unplucked, uncooked, eaten raw as I admitted I was wrong and you were right.  150 calories Lunch 1 big sandwich 250 calories Humble pie, served with a side of sheepishness, I admit once again that I was wrong about…

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Monkey with a Keyboard

Monkey with a Keyboard

I have been typing random key strokes for a trillion years.  Not only have I not typed Shakespeare’s works, I have not typed a single coherent page. So much for their fucking theories. Should I just give up?  No, I still have faith.  I believe if I just keep typing and typing through infinite time…

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I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

It is the hot summer months here in Los Angeles, a time when millions and millions of you ants come into our homes and surround little specks of food on our counters, and it’s a little creepy to be quite honest with you. In the past, I have definitely tended to paint all ants with…

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I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I had a party at my house the other day, and I was sitting outside with some friends, my brother was barbecuing the meat, it was all going splendidly, when someone brought up the topic of childhood sexual abuse. “Well, sometimes it’s ambiguous,” I ventured.  “I mean look at this Woody Allen thing.  The daughter…

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This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This must be my lucky day! Isn’t it just wonderful?  A world of people connecting with one another so that a founder of a tech company can move up higher on the billionaire list–right now he’s only number 635.   Yay for Reid Hoffman, the founder of Linkedin!  And congratulations on sending me another email with…

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Best Short Story of 2018

Best Short Story of 2018

The cramped oppressive space of the literary short story.  Welcome.  There will be some nice images here, in the first paragraph.  The first, a description of how she entered the house, not that she came home, no it has to be she tripped or tramped or sauntered or danced then a metaphor like a figure…

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Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

(They’ve more or less been rescued so we can finally unveil these.  Vote for your favorite – for World Cup Fans only) Thai soccer team found in cave, US team still unaccounted for. Thai soccer team hungry, tired, Argentine soccer team dead. Thai soccer youths surprised by British diver Rick Stanton, Mexican soccer team horrified…

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Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

it’s important to be mindful this is not a waste of time why don’t i do this more life gets so busy i see a shimmering light oh this is nice i feel grateful and i feel mindful and i feel full of mindfulness and the present moment now now and now and again again…

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Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Mr. Sheeran’s spokesperson has stated that the ginger singer was not referring to the Marvin Gaye single, he was referring to the actual sex act. However, Marvin Gaye’s family says they are owed one hundred million dollars as Ed apparently “Used a black-sounding Marvin Gaye type voice when he said it to his new wife,…

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Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

NOVEL ONE  – (ANGRY YOUNG MAN FICTION) Fuck your Never worn baby shoes I ain’t buyin em. (But if you are giving them away for free text me)   NOVEL TWO (DARK COMEDY) I would like To return the never worn baby shoes I bought from you. My baby died. (these shoes are fucking cursed)…

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Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

“I never dreamed I could pole vault that far,” said French Pole Vaulter Justine Cercara.  She was practicing pole vaulting in Vancouver, Canada, when, as she puts it, “I really corked one.” Ms. Cercara vaulted herself miles into the air, in a southern direction, and soon found herself flying across the border into the state…

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The Filthy Little Red Hen

The Filthy Little Red Hen

by Simon Black There was once a little red hen who wanted help planting her wheat seed so she asked our president. “Sure, little red hen, I’ll help ya,” said our president.  “But first, I’ll have to see your papers.” “Papers?” said the little red hen.  She didn’t know what those were. “Your citizenship papers,”…

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Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Albert Einstein’s ostensibly racist observations that were recently unearthed in his private travel diary written in 1922 have been proven to be relatively unracist compared to your own racist thoughts. Yes, it’s true, he didn’t much seem to like the Chinese, whom he thought had too many children and appeared “spiritless and obtuse.” However, using…

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

“We do accept all fat people, and we accept ourselves for being fat,” said Maureen O’Rourke, leader of the Virginia Chapter of Fat Acceptance America.  “However, we felt we needed to pile on and kick Sanders out, now that she’s been thrown out of that restaurant.  We’re worried that if she continues to get kicked…

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Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Here are personalized recommendations for you based on items you purchased or reviewed. Click here to see why these items were recommended. Building Your Own Wall: Illustrated Instructions And Plans For Indoor And Outdoor Walls (How To Build Series) Dec 4, 2012 by Steve Lage Paperback Women’s crotchless panties, size extra large.  Justgoo Womens Open Crotch…

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OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE Sorry, we are currently away from the Dingle on summer vacation.  We will return in a few days.  In the mean time, please take a look at our top five out of office replies that we received from you all, thank you, keep up the great…

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Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

They attack in broad daylight, armed with nunchucks, ninja swords, stars, daggers, knuckle dusters and  chain mail – oh, and digital sound recorders.  These are the last words of their victims, all of whom were spotted in West Coast lifestyle, living and design magazines and websites, discussing their lovely redesigned homes and gardens.  “Each room…

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Genius Analyst Warns of Impending Catastrophe

Genius Analyst Warns of Impending Catastrophe

The analyst behind a Wall Street Think Tank that predicted some of the most catastrophic and surprising events of the past half-century is now 100 percent sure that we are doomed. No, he’s not a psychic or a fortune teller.  He’s just a really smart fellow, who attended Harvard and at the Sorbonne in Paris,…

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We partner with HQ for hugest contest ever

We partner with HQ for hugest contest ever

“Hello everyone, welcome to HQ, your favorite trivia mobile app.  It’s Scott Rogowsky here, your quiz maestro.  Tonight we’re partnering with website Down in the Dingle Dot Com for an extra special jackpot which…” (signal lags, host returns mid-sentence) “…over there.  So let’ get started.  Question one.  Qumero, numero uno! What do humans breathe?  Is…

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The Ghost of Charles Bukowski Returns to His Old Haunts in New Hollywood

The Ghost of Charles Bukowski Returns to His Old Haunts in New Hollywood

(thanks Terrence Edwards) He is the same pockmarked, beer-bellied Bukowski, in an unbuttoned shirt and wearing Bermuda shorts, black socks and old sneakers. Only now he’s a ghost, so you can see through him a little bit. The ghost looks around, confused. Things have changed somewhat. Above him is a Panera Bread sign. The logo…

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New Folgers Coffee Bars – Coming Soon to Your Fancy Neighborhood

New Folgers Coffee Bars – Coming Soon to Your Fancy Neighborhood

(from corporate board minutes, Feb. 2018) CEO presented the idea for opening Starbucks-style coffee bars all over the US and Canada serving our Folgers coffee.  The potential upside is estimated to be 200-500 million dollars yearly revenue.  Downside is the construction costs and real estate. CFO objected that we’ve never been in the construction or…

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“God Bless You” – American as A Second Language #14

“God Bless You” – American as A Second Language #14

Hi, Dr. Yankinnit here.  This is the fourteenth installment of our ASL online lessons.  Thank you for sticking with us.  This week is going to be an especially interesting and maybe difficult lesson.  Be warned – American  doesn’t make sense a lot of the time.  Just be patient and you will get it. So you…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer

Dear Manny the Mansplainer

Hi folks.  I was so good at mansplaining things to my lovely wife Delores that she suggested I write a weekly advice column where I take questions from the little ladies and mansplain the answers to them.  Here we are in week 66 and it’s been a lot of fun.  This week I got some…

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A Secret About a Celebrity

A Secret About a Celebrity

Don’t you want to know this very interesting tidbit about this celebrity and his or her fascinating life?  I am sure you never knew this about this celebrity.  Therefore I have prepared a slide show for you.  Each slide that loads up on your internet page will come with a host of ads that will…

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Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day!

Amazing behaviors of mothers in natural world We know human mothers are amazing—we certainly wouldn’t be here without ‘em!  But on this Mother’s Day, we thought it appropriate to take a look at some of the amazing mothers in the natural world, who also demonstrate the qualities of courage, sacrifice, grace and compassion.  These come…

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There is no “Stuck” in Traffic

There is no “Stuck” in Traffic

by Simon Black I used to get really frustrated driving around Los Angeles.  Not any more.  I figured out the secret to enjoying driving in heavy traffic.  It’s all in your mind.  For instance, you might think you’re stuck in traffic on the freeway.  But observe your speedometer.  You might be going 20 mph.  That’s…

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This Man Won the Lottery 9 Times – And For Some Reason Wants to Give You His Secret

This Man Won the Lottery 9 Times – And For Some Reason Wants to Give You His Secret

I know it seems hard to believe, but this mathematician and genius, Dr. Peter Fontana, Phd., figured out that people have been playing the lottery completely wrong all these years.  Using simple mathematical principles that any sixth grader could understand, this genius made millions and millions of dollars from various lottery jackpots all over America. …

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The Four Bodily Humors – Awesome Heroes for this Advanced/Backward Age

The Four Bodily Humors – Awesome Heroes for this Advanced/Backward Age

By Simon Black (with thanks to Terence Edwards) It’s very exciting how the advanced technology of Hollywood has mixed with the most primitive nonsense mankind has ever dreamed up, isn’t it?   I sit eating my popcorn agog at the special effects created by these scientists, programmers and robotics experts and I feel that I am…

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Funniest Mistake Texts

Funniest Mistake Texts

Funniest mistaken text messages contest results. Thanks everybody.  We received thousands of entries, all of which were hilarious, showing us the perils of the digital communication age.  Sometimes you hit send before you check you you’re sending it to.  These are the funniest ones with their responses once the sender realized the error. Fifth Place,…

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World’s Oldest Spider Looks Back at Life at 43

World’s Oldest Spider Looks Back at Life at 43

It’s been good to me, there’s no doubt about that.  I had more than thirty thousand children and grandchildren and all the rest.  It’s been quite a time up here on the rafters of this barn.  I got nothing to complain about in this life. Except that damn pig. I don’t know if you heard…

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Free Stuff!

Free Stuff!

It’s the Funny Free Stuff Section – please feel free to contribute one below!   (Thanks Terence Edwards) Free LA Country Thomas Guide Street Atlas (LA County) I just found out about this thing called Google maps, so awesome! Free fish tank and supplies (Hesperia) He looked at me funny, what can I say.  I showed…

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Outer Space is Boring

Outer Space is Boring

Can’t believe I fell for it again!  This is undoubtedly the thousandth time I’ve taken the bait.  An amazing link about some incredible thing in outer space.  Some super great discovery about some galactic something or other.  Some incredible telescope image or some images sent back from some satellite or orbiter.  Alright, let’s face it. …

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Things The Mouth Is For

Things The Mouth Is For

Making baby noises and then later… Talking in a baby voice and then later… Talking in a grown up voice and then later… Talking in an old man voice and then…  Rattling and then finally… Remaining mum for the rest of time.   Giving birth to a river. Giving resuscitation to another mouth, hopefully never…

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57th Anniversary Today! 

57th Anniversary Today! 

The Dingle was founded on April 19, 1961.  Of course, there was no internet back then.  But our first installment of Dinglish humor was “posted” on that day.  Who remembers?  I do! April 19, 1961. BIRTH Holy Shit!  What the fuck!  Where the hell am I?  And what the hell just happened?  I feel like…

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Hollywood Legends NextDoor

Hollywood Legends NextDoor

Marilyn Monroe Helena Drive, April 15 Having trouble sleeping tonight.  I feel like a candle in the wind. Posted 13h ago in General 8 Thanks – 34 Replies Elton John, 8h ago, Santa Monica Blvd. Try laying off the speed you stupid cow. Tom Cruise, 8h ago, Fountain Ave Anybody know how to get a jar…

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Crappy Van Gogh Poster

Crappy Van Gogh Poster

(To the Tune of “Vincent”, by Don McLean) Starry starry night Poster frame of blue and grey I saw at a yard sale today Who would buy that? I really want to know? Shadows on the porch Some golf clubs and a tiki torch Some dirty jeans and women’s shorts A print by Escher and…

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New Amazon In-home Delivery Service Now Delivers Vibrators Straight to Your Underwear Drawer.

New Amazon In-home Delivery Service Now Delivers Vibrators Straight to Your Underwear Drawer.

Amazon is introducing several new in home delivery services that work with five different smart lock brands to allow access to Amazon delivery men. For users of the sex toy delivery service, the delivery man will place the device in any part of the home or body specified by the customer. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos…

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Does Your Friends’ Not Drinking Bother You? New Support Group Forming

Does Your Friends’ Not Drinking Bother You? New Support Group Forming

Sobernon is a support group for people whose friends have stopped drinking and become super boring. A lot of us are really bothered by our friends’ recoveries.  We just don’t say anything.  And we pretend to still enjoy hanging out with them, sipping sparkling water or meeting for a coffee.  Or sometimes we drink a…

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Yelp for People – Starting Today

Yelp for People – Starting Today

Do you remember that woman was going to start an online service where you rate your friends a la Yelp restaurant reviews?  There was a big public outcry and I don’t think it ever started. So I’m starting it today. And here is the first review. My Co-Worker Marcy.  Zero stars. (Imagine there’s a little…

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Herman Munster Not A Suspect — Correction

Herman Munster Not A Suspect — Correction

Correction — the Dingle erroneously reported today that Herman Munster was a suspect in the recent truck attack in Muenster, Germany. Herman Munster was not in the country at the time of the attack and should not have been named. Lilly Munster also is not considered a suspect, although police do not know if she…

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My Hybrid Identity

My Hybrid Identity

  I was split between two worlds.  When my family moved to Upstate New York it was all so new and strange to me, since I had been born in Northern New Jersey.  The Upstate New Yorker’s had their own language.  They called the soft drink “pop” but back in New Jersey we called it…

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This Person’s  Addiction Memoir

This Person’s  Addiction Memoir

This is a story of heroism.  I know most hero stories involve people trying to help others, like firemen or soldiers or great leaders.  People who took great risks in order to better society.  Not this one.  This addiction memoir tells the story of a person whose only claim to fame was their sorry addiction…

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Are you overly earnest? Take our quiz

Are you overly earnest? Take our quiz

1) You want the world to be better because a) Your wings are made of silk    b) you are an activist   c) you are a thought leader   d) the world’s not reaching up to your standards 2) You want people to be nicer and to care more because a) Your soul is pure white…

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I, the Devil, Agree with Pope Francis

I, the Devil, Agree with Pope Francis

Yes, I am in complete agreement with the Pope’s latest pronouncement, that there is no hell, and that those who die in sin merely disappear, while those good souls join God and Jesus in heaven. Finally somebody with the nerve to speak the truth!  There is no hell.  There is no eternal fire.  I do…

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Help me identify these lists.

Help me identify these lists.

I found two lists, not sure what they are.  Any help appreciated. List 1 Logan Wyatt Roman Josh Jake C.   Jake W.   Jake D.   Jake J. Zach Tanner Cooper Jack Max D. Max F. Max J. Max D.-F.   Cody Owen Austin Ethan Lucas Luke Tanner Tyler Is this list: A list of cowboys who have…

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The Girl in the Window on the Train is Gone

The Girl in the Window on the Train is Gone

If you liked Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train and The Woman in the Window you are going to love The Girl in the Window on the Train is Gone. This thriller with a fascinatingly flawed female protagonist is entirely original, but similar enough to those other successful female thrillers that you will love…

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How We See Each Other

How We See Each Other

If a neurologist could somehow insert a camera  deep into the human brain and show us on a primal level how we perceive one another, we would be quite surprised.  We actually don’t see each other as people at all.  The unconscious brain is not sophisticated enough to group its imagery under a coherent category…

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The Most Attractive Mug shots of All Time

The Most Attractive Mug shots of All Time

Click on the link below to see some of the most attractive mug shots that have ever been taken.  Who knew that a mug shot could be this sexy and smokey and alluring and really hot?  Well, we all knew that a mug shot could be hot.  It is either hot or cold or lukewarm. …

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Schlitterbahn water park CEO says the rides are safe

Schlitterbahn water park CEO says the rides are safe

Schlitterbahn water park CEO says the rides are safe and that people who are afraid to come there are just pussies. “Just because a kid was decapitated on one of our most popular rides,” said new park CEO Herman Godfrey, “Some wimpy cry babies are saying our park is dangerous.” The Kansas amusement park is…

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Disturbing Graphic Video Released

Disturbing Graphic Video Released

I mean its really horrible. I don’t know why anyone would want to watch it. It’s the kind of thing you can unsee. But first we have a brief advertisement selling sweatshirts. Then you will be warned once again about the disturbing nature of the video and you will have to swear that you are…

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Posting this For Our Nanny

Posting this For Our Nanny

Our beloved Nanny Rosanna is no longer needed, as our youngest Quincy has started pre-k classes – I know, sob!   We consider Rosanna almost one of the family and it is so sad to think of her being unemployed not that we’re giving her the boot, so we want her to find a new family…

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Driverless Car Awarded Ten Points

Driverless Car Awarded Ten Points

In a secret competition that AI-driven robot cars have started amongst themselves, the car that struck and killed a pedestrian in Arizona was only awarded ten points because, as a robot-driven Prius commented yesterday, “It was an old person, which is minus five points, but the driverless car gets a five points bonus because it…

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