Author: simon

Simon Black lives in Los Angeles, California. He's always been fascinated by the dingle, the dark place down in the cleft between two hills. It's at once a disturbing place and a place where one can remain hidden, safe.
Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

  The ghost of Allen Ginsberg reported today that he was also going to be absent for the oral argument phase of the next round of supreme court cases. “You know I love oral,” explained Ginsberg. “But I’ve had it with Washington.” Mr. Ginsberg explained that the current climate made it difficult even for a…

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Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

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Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

  In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

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How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

  Geneticists have confirmed that Homosapien DNA mixed with Neanderthal a long long time ago. But how much of this blockheaded ninny muggins do you have in you? Scientists have devised this simple five-question quiz which reliably determines how beastly you really are. 1. A driver cuts in front of you rudely with his car.…

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Crossing These Friends off My List

Crossing These Friends off My List

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

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Meet My New Best Friends

Meet My New Best Friends

  I’m having a big Christmas party. And these are my friends who are coming. They are the ones who actually spend the three seconds it takes to RSVP. Thanks a lot new friends. One of these will probably be my new girlfriend. She never complains or bosses me. I love her. That one on…

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Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

  Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

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Tom Brady WOAT?

Tom Brady WOAT?

    Fans are now wondering if Tom Brady might be the worst of all time quarterback, after he threw an interception and blew the Patriots game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. “He sucks,” said one fan, Marvin Stayathome. “The Pats should fire him and start that lousy backup, Brian Hoyer.” Fantasy football fan Brian Anger…

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Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong.  But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

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Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

DIAGORAS: Um…you really exist? GOD: Yes. Didn’t you look at the photo for verification. The one with me sitting on the cloud with a piece of paper saying the date and r/atheism? VOLTAIRE How do we know you’re not just some guy with a fake beard posed on a green-screened CGI cloud? GOD: Well, I…

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Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

    A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

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A Girl Named Absidy

A Girl Named Absidy

  In this interview, we meet a girl named ABCDE (pronounced Absidy), her sisters FGHIJ (pronounced Fudgy-jay) and KLMNO (Kalimino) and her brothers PQRST (Puhchrist) and UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) to talk about their family. (Their dog is called simply Z, which rounds out the alphabet nicely.) ABCDE (Absidy) — We’re just normal kids like any other family. Only…

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Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

(Thanks to Paul D’Acri) We all love “Yesterday” by the Beatles. But the Paul McCartney-penned song has been nothing short of hell for Joeseph Burton, Leeds, England, who has had the song stuck in his head since 1993. “I was listening to the oldies station on the radio,” said Burton. “On came ‘Yesterday.’ I was…

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Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

    Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

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Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

I have always had an amateur interest in biogenetics, so when Crispr first came out, I was one of the first to hear about it from Amateur Gene Editing Quarterly, which I have a subscription to. I promptly ordered one of the DIY kits and began editing the embryo of my first child, Dorotea. My…

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Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them.  This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

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This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

Archeologists have unearthed a cache of new evidence that calls into question everything we think we know about Vikings. I mean everything.. Of course, you know they never wore horned helmets. That was an invention of a 19th century writer. But did you know Vikings loved short shorts, especially made of black leather, and they…

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A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

Dems Flip 186 more House seats, Senate Now in Play After Recounts The Blue Wave was a tsunami, turns out. Trump apparently going crazy stomping back and forth and gnashing his teeth.  Melania is freaking.  Ivanka is crying.  The Trump boys have cancelled their giraffe hunting trip.  Pence is hiding under a bed. Where’s Jared? …

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Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash After winning the election for assemblyman in Nevada’s 36th district, an ebullient Dennis Hof greeted supporters to declare victory and drop a major hint about his presidential ambitions. “Donald Trump, you better watch out in 2020, I’m coming for you,” cried to the victorious former reality TV star and author of “The…

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Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Something very strange is going on in the financial system.  Very strange indeed.  Especially after that burrito lunch.  According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence.  But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Probably not, but read on.  You might be surprised. Some people lately have suggested that those healthy brands of toothpaste that they sell at Trader Joes and Whole Foods might be actually worse for you than the regular old Crest or Colgate minty fresh brands. But those people are wrong.  In fact, everything you thought…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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How’s Canada Feeling Today?

How’s Canada Feeling Today?

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me? Please follow and like us:

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

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The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you.  4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5.  Oh wait! WTF! …

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism.  But how safe are those tattoos?  Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers.  You have to assess the risk for yourself.  There…

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Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash   “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other.  “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road.  “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

  There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men.  The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down.  I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

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The Sapiosexuals

The Sapiosexuals

by Christina Stevens I was instantly interested.  I had never met anyone in Los Angeles who had even heard of the great late French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan.  But at a party in West Hollywood, he said that my comment was very Lacanian. “Lacan himself couldn’t utter his entire theory,” I claimed.  “Because he said the…

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Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

By Serena Williams   Thanks a lot Martina Navratilova, for shaming me and marginalizing me even more than I was already marginalized.  Guess what, you can’t hurt me.  What marginalizes me only makes me stronger.   For those that don’t know, the ugly old tennis player from Czechoslovakia (A country that doesn’t even exist by…

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Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open. “She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King.  “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria.  But when men do it, it’s considered…

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How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

1. You have a cleaning lady because: a. You hate cleaning   b. you are too busy to clean   c) people from developing countries are better at cleaning   d) that’s an offensive term – please use something that sounds more innocuous so we can all feel better about ourselves 2. You tidy up before the cleaning…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

MUSK:  This is Elon. ME:  Hi, it’s Simon Black calling again. MUSK:  Who?  Sorry. ME:  I saw you’re going through a tough time in the news.  I’m sorry buddy. MUSK:  Oh, don’t’ pay any attention to that bullshit.  It’s fake news.  Trump is right about that.  I’m not on drugs.  It’s bullshit. ME:  I know. …

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The internet is dominated by feudal lords, say Google, Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat etc.  These noble lords have great tracts of cyber real estate which they control in much the same way medieval feudal lords controlled the land in Europe.  These organizations and web sites make strict rules that they enforce within their ecosystem to hold…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

Photo by Sasha • Stories on Unsplash It was quite astonishing to read in the online journal Palimpest the other day a complete reinterpretation of Borges’ most famous story. The literary world has been stunned by the publication of such a bold and deliberate piece of provocation. Whatever the permanent effect on literature that Simon Black’s “‘Borges and I’ by Simon Black”…

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If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash   As pastor here in Los Angeles I get asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. I thought I would take this time out in the weekly church newsletter to attempt an answer. I’ll warn you, though, this is a tough one. I’m…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town?  This could get ugly fast.  How are you going to eat?  How will pay your rent?  What about healthcare – you know…

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A Plea from Sasquatch

A Plea from Sasquatch

Please, America.  Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you?  Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…

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There’s a Muslim on my flight

There’s a Muslim on my flight

  There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What?  I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something   There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What?  I’m…

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Consent Porn

Consent Porn

Erotic fiction for the Metoo era by Simon Black. “As they collapsed in an embrace on the bed, Jen felt the passion tingling in her sex.  “Make love to me, Pablo,” she cried. “Absolutely,” responded Pablo, his brown eyes blazing with desire.  “Let’s make the preparations.  I’d like you to meet my lawyer, Jeffrey Goldblatt,…

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Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Scientists today announced the results of a multi year study.  The results – following your bliss is a recipe for disaster. “Most people who follow their bliss end up homeless, abandoned, and alone,” said Cynthia Cahill-Smythe, PhD at West State University, Auburn.  “We find that it’s much better to follow something that annoys you and…

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Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

This is what I ate today: Breakfast  An egg 50 calories Coffee w/cream 30 calories Crow, unplucked, uncooked, eaten raw as I admitted I was wrong and you were right.  150 calories Lunch 1 big sandwich 250 calories Humble pie, served with a side of sheepishness, I admit once again that I was wrong about…

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Monkey with a Keyboard

Monkey with a Keyboard

I have been typing random key strokes for a trillion years.  Not only have I not typed Shakespeare’s works, I have not typed a single coherent page. So much for their fucking theories. Should I just give up?  No, I still have faith.  I believe if I just keep typing and typing through infinite time…

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I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

It is the hot summer months here in Los Angeles, a time when millions and millions of you ants come into our homes and surround little specks of food on our counters, and it’s a little creepy to be quite honest with you. In the past, I have definitely tended to paint all ants with…

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I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I had a party at my house the other day, and I was sitting outside with some friends, my brother was barbecuing the meat, it was all going splendidly, when someone brought up the topic of childhood sexual abuse. “Well, sometimes it’s ambiguous,” I ventured.  “I mean look at this Woody Allen thing.  The daughter…

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This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This must be my lucky day! Isn’t it just wonderful?  A world of people connecting with one another so that a founder of a tech company can move up higher on the billionaire list–right now he’s only number 635.   Yay for Reid Hoffman, the founder of Linkedin!  And congratulations on sending me another email with…

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Best Short Story of 2018

Best Short Story of 2018

The cramped oppressive space of the literary short story.  Welcome.  There will be some nice images here, in the first paragraph.  The first, a description of how she entered the house, not that she came home, no it has to be she tripped or tramped or sauntered or danced then a metaphor like a figure…

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Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

(They’ve more or less been rescued so we can finally unveil these.  Vote for your favorite – for World Cup Fans only) Thai soccer team found in cave, US team still unaccounted for. Thai soccer team hungry, tired, Argentine soccer team dead. Thai soccer youths surprised by British diver Rick Stanton, Mexican soccer team horrified…

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Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

it’s important to be mindful this is not a waste of time why don’t i do this more life gets so busy i see a shimmering light oh this is nice i feel grateful and i feel mindful and i feel full of mindfulness and the present moment now now and now and again again…

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Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Mr. Sheeran’s spokesperson has stated that the ginger singer was not referring to the Marvin Gaye single, he was referring to the actual sex act. However, Marvin Gaye’s family says they are owed one hundred million dollars as Ed apparently “Used a black-sounding Marvin Gaye type voice when he said it to his new wife,…

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Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

NOVEL ONE  – (ANGRY YOUNG MAN FICTION) Fuck your Never worn baby shoes I ain’t buyin em. (But if you are giving them away for free text me)   NOVEL TWO (DARK COMEDY) I would like To return the never worn baby shoes I bought from you. My baby died. (these shoes are fucking cursed)…

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Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

“I never dreamed I could pole vault that far,” said French Pole Vaulter Justine Cercara.  She was practicing pole vaulting in Vancouver, Canada, when, as she puts it, “I really corked one.” Ms. Cercara vaulted herself miles into the air, in a southern direction, and soon found herself flying across the border into the state…

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The Filthy Little Red Hen

The Filthy Little Red Hen

by Simon Black There was once a little red hen who wanted help planting her wheat seed so she asked our president. “Sure, little red hen, I’ll help ya,” said our president.  “But first, I’ll have to see your papers.” “Papers?” said the little red hen.  She didn’t know what those were. “Your citizenship papers,”…

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Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Albert Einstein’s ostensibly racist observations that were recently unearthed in his private travel diary written in 1922 have been proven to be relatively unracist compared to your own racist thoughts. Yes, it’s true, he didn’t much seem to like the Chinese, whom he thought had too many children and appeared “spiritless and obtuse.” However, using…

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

“We do accept all fat people, and we accept ourselves for being fat,” said Maureen O’Rourke, leader of the Virginia Chapter of Fat Acceptance America.  “However, we felt we needed to pile on and kick Sanders out, now that she’s been thrown out of that restaurant.  We’re worried that if she continues to get kicked…

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Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Here are personalized recommendations for you based on items you purchased or reviewed. Click here to see why these items were recommended. Building Your Own Wall: Illustrated Instructions And Plans For Indoor And Outdoor Walls (How To Build Series) Dec 4, 2012 by Steve Lage Paperback Women’s crotchless panties, size extra large.  Justgoo Womens Open Crotch…

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OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE Sorry, we are currently away from the Dingle on summer vacation.  We will return in a few days.  In the mean time, please take a look at our top five out of office replies that we received from you all, thank you, keep up the great…

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Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

They attack in broad daylight, armed with nunchucks, ninja swords, stars, daggers, knuckle dusters and  chain mail – oh, and digital sound recorders.  These are the last words of their victims, all of whom were spotted in West Coast lifestyle, living and design magazines and websites, discussing their lovely redesigned homes and gardens.  “Each room…

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Genius Analyst Warns of Impending Catastrophe

Genius Analyst Warns of Impending Catastrophe

The analyst behind a Wall Street Think Tank that predicted some of the most catastrophic and surprising events of the past half-century is now 100 percent sure that we are doomed. No, he’s not a psychic or a fortune teller.  He’s just a really smart fellow, who attended Harvard and at the Sorbonne in Paris,…

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We partner with HQ for hugest contest ever

We partner with HQ for hugest contest ever

“Hello everyone, welcome to HQ, your favorite trivia mobile app.  It’s Scott Rogowsky here, your quiz maestro.  Tonight we’re partnering with website Down in the Dingle Dot Com for an extra special jackpot which…” (signal lags, host returns mid-sentence) “…over there.  So let’ get started.  Question one.  Qumero, numero uno! What do humans breathe?  Is…

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The Ghost of Charles Bukowski Returns to His Old Haunts in New Hollywood

The Ghost of Charles Bukowski Returns to His Old Haunts in New Hollywood

(thanks Terrence Edwards) He is the same pockmarked, beer-bellied Bukowski, in an unbuttoned shirt and wearing Bermuda shorts, black socks and old sneakers. Only now he’s a ghost, so you can see through him a little bit. The ghost looks around, confused. Things have changed somewhat. Above him is a Panera Bread sign. The logo…

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New Folgers Coffee Bars – Coming Soon to Your Fancy Neighborhood

New Folgers Coffee Bars – Coming Soon to Your Fancy Neighborhood

(from corporate board minutes, Feb. 2018) CEO presented the idea for opening Starbucks-style coffee bars all over the US and Canada serving our Folgers coffee.  The potential upside is estimated to be 200-500 million dollars yearly revenue.  Downside is the construction costs and real estate. CFO objected that we’ve never been in the construction or…

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“God Bless You” – American as A Second Language #14

“God Bless You” – American as A Second Language #14

Hi, Dr. Yankinnit here.  This is the fourteenth installment of our ASL online lessons.  Thank you for sticking with us.  This week is going to be an especially interesting and maybe difficult lesson.  Be warned – American  doesn’t make sense a lot of the time.  Just be patient and you will get it. So you…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer

Dear Manny the Mansplainer

Hi folks.  I was so good at mansplaining things to my lovely wife Delores that she suggested I write a weekly advice column where I take questions from the little ladies and mansplain the answers to them.  Here we are in week 66 and it’s been a lot of fun.  This week I got some…

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