Category: Humors

Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

  Photo by Tapio Haaja on Unsplash “I’m sorry,” said spokesperson Jari Sibelius. “We just can’t accommodate all of these Americans. They will be sent back as soon as possible.” Boats and airplanes were commandeered by the Finnish government to return an estimated seven million Americans who arrived in Helsinki and other Finnish cities after a report by…

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

    Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves. Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I…

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The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

  We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on. But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test? For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well,…

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More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

  1. fake: real :: a. that picture of me: the rowing team b. my parents supposedly “correct” politics: hypocrisy c. 1400: 1100 2. “The college admissions process is fair.” The word “fair” in this sentence should be replaced with: a. maddening b. broken c. much easier if your parents can make a million dollar…

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Why?

Why?

Poetry by William H. Macy   Why should disabled kids get unlimited time on the SATs When my child has to do it in three hours? Why should you have to actually row If you’re on the rowing team? Why should Bob Dylan win the Nobel Prize and not my friend David Mamet? Do you know…

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Read this Blog in ASMR

Read this Blog in ASMR

    Find a quiet space. Sit down. And then read this paragraph to yourself, in a gentle whisper. ASMR is autonomous sensory meridian response, described as “a pleasant, tingly sensation some people experience in the scalp or upper body as a result of quiet sounds or gentle touch.” If you read this paragraph you…

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I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

      By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

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The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

True stories from Hollywood Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career. He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind…

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Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

    Dingle editors, writers and production staff will attend an event next week in the American South where we will be signing bibles to adoring fans of us and of the great sacred text. We are planning this event in order to emphasize our role in its creation. It is true that Donald Trump…

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What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

    Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this? Loving Mom in Plymouth,…

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New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

  The Dingle is offering an exclusive, the very same brand of comb that Senator (and presidential aspirant) Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota used to eat her salad after, hmmmph!, her assistant forgot to bring utensils. We’re not sure if the recent blitz of bad publicity against Ms. Klobuchar is sexism, misogyny, or good old fashioned…

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No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

  We the moderators, owners, creators of this site, this community board, this yahoo group, this NextDoor thread, this Facebook page, this Reddit sub, this forum, feed, or web site, have decreed: No political discussion whatsoever. We want this to be a fun place. And we can’t handle the disagreement of opinion that ensues once…

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Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

“I’m known for playing real assholes in movies” said the British actor, “But this is too much, even for me.” The actor, star of classy British films like The Ideal Husband, said he never knew his father was a Klu Klux Klan member, a Michael Jackson fan, or a blackface Cakewalk performer. “I thought he was…

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Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

    “Why not follow your airplane crush down to baggage claim,” the napkin suggests. Some people have claimed that the creepy napkins given to passengers on Delta flights have crossed a line. But Delta and Coke executives are doubling down. “If she doesn’t talk to you in baggage claim,” another napkin suggests, “Follow her…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

  Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Why were men angry about the Gillette Ad? I mean, it just seemed to be encouraging men to call each other out on their gross behavior, didn’t it? Confused Woman in America Dear Confused, You have to be careful about this term toxic masculinity. For instance, if a trans person committed some kind…

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Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

  Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash The strong backlash to the former Starbucks CEO’s announcement of an independent bid for president has led me to question whether his campaign might be fresh roasted before it begins. It’s definitely got a drizzle of something and it’s not caramel, if you know what I mean. On the one hand,…

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

    He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

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Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

  Tim Cook admitted today that Apple engineers were rushing to fix a bug in their Apple ecosystem which reportedly allows users to sit face to face with one another in real time and space talking and relating without any kind of device whatsoever. “It’s embarrassing,” said Cook. “We messed up here. There’s no reason…

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Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

  I am the angry writing teacher. I’ve been reading stories for more than twenty years. About your grandmothers. And trust me…your grandmother wasn’t all that. I’m sorry she’s dead. Really sorry. But does that mean you need to inflict that mess on the rest of the class? What do we care that this was…

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Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

By Joshua Adachi     Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may…

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Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Parents, you’ve all unfortunately felt it. You take the kids out to the latest billion dollar comic book franchise installment featuring a formulaic hero whom you could really not give a shit about and then — Yikes! —halfway through the dumbarama circus you find yourself actually, dare I say it, rooting for the cipher of…

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Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

  I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

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How Safe is Paraguay?

How Safe is Paraguay?

  Photo by Vale Martinez on Unsplash Answered by: Anonymous Pro! Gramm! Er! who, er, knows nothing about Paraguay, January 16, 2019 Hi there. Thanks for upvoting my Quora answer. I’ve made it to the top of quite a few Quora threads with my refreshingly honest outlook on things. How safe is Paraguay? Here’s my answer: How about…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

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Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Bunny Blog #245 According to new guidelines established by the APA, traditional masculinity is toxic because of its emphasis on being strong, being powerful, and being courageous. Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s a very myopic view of traditional masculinity. In the bunny tradition, we men are not strong. Challenge me to an arm wrestling battle?…

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Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Bunny Blog #648   I know one thing — no rabbit has ever attended Harvard University. This could, of course, be because of a phenomenon called self-selection. That means most bunnies know they aren’t going to get in, so they don’t apply. Of course, bunnies don’t usually live long enough to attend any college at all,…

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Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

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Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

  Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

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Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

        “We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

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Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

  Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

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McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

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Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

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Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

  In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

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How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

  Geneticists have confirmed that Homosapien DNA mixed with Neanderthal a long long time ago. But how much of this blockheaded ninny muggins do you have in you? Scientists have devised this simple five-question quiz which reliably determines how beastly you really are. 1. A driver cuts in front of you rudely with his car.…

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Crossing These Friends off My List

Crossing These Friends off My List

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

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Waiters Can No Longer Afford to Live in San Francisco — Restaurants Serving them to Customers

Waiters Can No Longer Afford to Live in San Francisco — Restaurants Serving them to Customers

  Happy, well-off customers of San Francisco restaurants have been surprised by a real treat lately — waiters on the menu instead of on the job. “I’d never tried human before,” said tech worker Leslie Brinmore. “It was like chicken. But a little chewier.” Since they can’t afford to live in San Francisco, a lot…

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Meet My New Best Friends

Meet My New Best Friends

  I’m having a big Christmas party. And these are my friends who are coming. They are the ones who actually spend the three seconds it takes to RSVP. Thanks a lot new friends. One of these will probably be my new girlfriend. She never complains or bosses me. I love her. That one on…

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Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

  Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

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Tom Brady WOAT?

Tom Brady WOAT?

    Fans are now wondering if Tom Brady might be the worst of all time quarterback, after he threw an interception and blew the Patriots game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. “He sucks,” said one fan, Marvin Stayathome. “The Pats should fire him and start that lousy backup, Brian Hoyer.” Fantasy football fan Brian Anger…

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Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong.  But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

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Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

    A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

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Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

    Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

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Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them.  This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

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Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Something very strange is going on in the financial system.  Very strange indeed.  Especially after that burrito lunch.  According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence.  But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town?  This could get ugly fast.  How are you going to eat?  How will pay your rent?  What about healthcare – you know…

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A Plea from Sasquatch

A Plea from Sasquatch

Please, America.  Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you?  Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…

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There’s a Muslim on my flight

There’s a Muslim on my flight

  There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What?  I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something   There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What?  I’m…

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Consent Porn

Consent Porn

Erotic fiction for the Metoo era by Simon Black. “As they collapsed in an embrace on the bed, Jen felt the passion tingling in her sex.  “Make love to me, Pablo,” she cried. “Absolutely,” responded Pablo, his brown eyes blazing with desire.  “Let’s make the preparations.  I’d like you to meet my lawyer, Jeffrey Goldblatt,…

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Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Following Your Bliss – Terrible Idea, According to Scientists

Scientists today announced the results of a multi year study.  The results – following your bliss is a recipe for disaster. “Most people who follow their bliss end up homeless, abandoned, and alone,” said Cynthia Cahill-Smythe, PhD at West State University, Auburn.  “We find that it’s much better to follow something that annoys you and…

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Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

Tracking My Calories During the Breakup

This is what I ate today: Breakfast  An egg 50 calories Coffee w/cream 30 calories Crow, unplucked, uncooked, eaten raw as I admitted I was wrong and you were right.  150 calories Lunch 1 big sandwich 250 calories Humble pie, served with a side of sheepishness, I admit once again that I was wrong about…

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Monkey with a Keyboard

Monkey with a Keyboard

I have been typing random key strokes for a trillion years.  Not only have I not typed Shakespeare’s works, I have not typed a single coherent page. So much for their fucking theories. Should I just give up?  No, I still have faith.  I believe if I just keep typing and typing through infinite time…

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I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

It is the hot summer months here in Los Angeles, a time when millions and millions of you ants come into our homes and surround little specks of food on our counters, and it’s a little creepy to be quite honest with you. In the past, I have definitely tended to paint all ants with…

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I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I Have No Position on Woody Allen!

I had a party at my house the other day, and I was sitting outside with some friends, my brother was barbecuing the meat, it was all going splendidly, when someone brought up the topic of childhood sexual abuse. “Well, sometimes it’s ambiguous,” I ventured.  “I mean look at this Woody Allen thing.  The daughter…

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This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This Person Wants to Connect with Me on Linkedin!

This must be my lucky day! Isn’t it just wonderful?  A world of people connecting with one another so that a founder of a tech company can move up higher on the billionaire list–right now he’s only number 635.   Yay for Reid Hoffman, the founder of Linkedin!  And congratulations on sending me another email with…

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Best Short Story of 2018

Best Short Story of 2018

The cramped oppressive space of the literary short story.  Welcome.  There will be some nice images here, in the first paragraph.  The first, a description of how she entered the house, not that she came home, no it has to be she tripped or tramped or sauntered or danced then a metaphor like a figure…

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Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

Too Soon Thai Soccer Team Jokes

(They’ve more or less been rescued so we can finally unveil these.  Vote for your favorite – for World Cup Fans only) Thai soccer team found in cave, US team still unaccounted for. Thai soccer team hungry, tired, Argentine soccer team dead. Thai soccer youths surprised by British diver Rick Stanton, Mexican soccer team horrified…

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Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

Thoughts During Mindfulness Class

it’s important to be mindful this is not a waste of time why don’t i do this more life gets so busy i see a shimmering light oh this is nice i feel grateful and i feel mindful and i feel full of mindfulness and the present moment now now and now and again again…

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Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Marvin Gaye Heirs Sue Ed Sheeran for Saying “Let’s Get It On” to his Wife on Wedding Night

Mr. Sheeran’s spokesperson has stated that the ginger singer was not referring to the Marvin Gaye single, he was referring to the actual sex act. However, Marvin Gaye’s family says they are owed one hundred million dollars as Ed apparently “Used a black-sounding Marvin Gaye type voice when he said it to his new wife,…

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Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

Three Six Word Novels (well, almost)

NOVEL ONE  – (ANGRY YOUNG MAN FICTION) Fuck your Never worn baby shoes I ain’t buyin em. (But if you are giving them away for free text me)   NOVEL TWO (DARK COMEDY) I would like To return the never worn baby shoes I bought from you. My baby died. (these shoes are fucking cursed)…

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Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

Pole Vaulter Detained for Two Weeks After Accidentally Pole Vaulting From Canada Across the Border into US

“I never dreamed I could pole vault that far,” said French Pole Vaulter Justine Cercara.  She was practicing pole vaulting in Vancouver, Canada, when, as she puts it, “I really corked one.” Ms. Cercara vaulted herself miles into the air, in a southern direction, and soon found herself flying across the border into the state…

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Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Einstein Proven Right after Theory of General Relativity Confirmed to Work on Distant Racial Stereotypes

Albert Einstein’s ostensibly racist observations that were recently unearthed in his private travel diary written in 1922 have been proven to be relatively unracist compared to your own racist thoughts. Yes, it’s true, he didn’t much seem to like the Chinese, whom he thought had too many children and appeared “spiritless and obtuse.” However, using…

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Kicked out of Fat Acceptance Group

“We do accept all fat people, and we accept ourselves for being fat,” said Maureen O’Rourke, leader of the Virginia Chapter of Fat Acceptance America.  “However, we felt we needed to pile on and kick Sanders out, now that she’s been thrown out of that restaurant.  We’re worried that if she continues to get kicked…

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Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Hello Amazon Customer Donald J. Trump

Here are personalized recommendations for you based on items you purchased or reviewed. Click here to see why these items were recommended. Building Your Own Wall: Illustrated Instructions And Plans For Indoor And Outdoor Walls (How To Build Series) Dec 4, 2012 by Steve Lage Paperback Women’s crotchless panties, size extra large.  Justgoo Womens Open Crotch…

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OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE

OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE Sorry, we are currently away from the Dingle on summer vacation.  We will return in a few days.  In the mean time, please take a look at our top five out of office replies that we received from you all, thank you, keep up the great…

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Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

Ninja Assassins Attack House Proud Californians

They attack in broad daylight, armed with nunchucks, ninja swords, stars, daggers, knuckle dusters and  chain mail – oh, and digital sound recorders.  These are the last words of their victims, all of whom were spotted in West Coast lifestyle, living and design magazines and websites, discussing their lovely redesigned homes and gardens.  “Each room…

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