Category: Humors

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Something very strange is going on in the financial system.  Very strange indeed.  Especially after that burrito lunch.  According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence.  But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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