Category: Humors

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

The Death of Ivan Ilyich

Summer Sequel Series Part Two, Still Dead, Still Angry They have sequels of dumb movies all summer for the daft. How about some summer sequels for the intelligentsia?     You may remember from our first go round that Ivan Ilyich was putting up some curtains and he kind of fell and hurt his side. This being…

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Death of a Salesman

Death of a Salesman

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: Still Dead, Still Selling   They have sequels of dumb movies all summer for the daft. How about some summer sequels for the intelligentsia? Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash Willie Loman is having even less success as a salesman now that he’s dead. Dead Willie: Ring ring. Man: Yes? Dead Willie: Hello sir, a…

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The Selfie of Dorian Gray

The Selfie of Dorian Gray

  Summer Sequels Series   Dorian took such a nice selfie of himself at the Huntington Gardens in front of the Shakespeare statue, with his selfie stick. “I am so young and good-looking,” he said to himself. Then he went to the Apple Store in the Glendale Galleria and had a strange encounter with weird…

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The Trial

The Trial

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: Dead. But Still on Trial. I seem to have taken on the task of crafting impossible sequels, that is, sequels to works which one might assume could never be “sequelled.” And yet, Kafka’s works feel like they could end at any point in the text, or continue on interminably in sequel after…

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The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: I take the more traveled road   Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by but now for the sequel I return to that fork and take the other turn and I find that since its the more ordinary way to go I am…

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Catching the white whale is his “white whale”

Catching the white whale is his “white whale”

Everybody has that one thing they’re obsessed with.   My name’s Ishamel, or Ish, that’s what everybody calls me. I’m on board the Pequod serving under Captain Ahab, who doesn’t seem to understand metaphor or idiom. Catching Moby Dick has really been the biggest ambition and obsession of Captain Ahab’s life, and of course the idiomatic term…

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Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

Schwarzennegar Dropkicked Again, this Time in Mozambique.

    “Alright, alright,” said the actor/governor/terminator. “I’ll buy this crazy guy a Lamborgini. Just get me to the chopper. And have my chiropractor meet me at LAX.” “I won’t be back,” said Arnold, as he boarded the helicopter, holding his lower back and grimacing. Luckily, at the final stop of his African tour, in…

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Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

  GAMEKEEPER Um, Lady Chatterley, why did you send me this pic of you in your underthings, looking out at the camera and making a duckface? LADY CHATTERLEY Oh my Gosh! How embarrassing. Of course I meant to send it to my husband, Clifford, your Lord and employer. Please delete it right away. GAMEKEEPER Right…

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Secrets of Pseudoscience

Secrets of Pseudoscience

Who comes up with this crap anyway? Ernie Does.   These days audiences are more sophisticated than ever, and demand a plausible-sounding explanation for the preposterous events that masquerade as a plot. Pseudoscientist Ernie Nelson has been employed by major Hollywood studios, including Marvel, to make utter nonsense seem somehow convincing. “It’s a difficult job,” he explained. “Most…

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Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

Guys, I’m Going to the New Winterfell Starbucks – Want Anything?

    Tyrion: Yes, I’ll have a cappuccino. Short. Brienne: I’ll have the same. Tall.  Sansa: I’ll just have a cup of Joe. Jonas. Ramsey: Can I have an extra whip? John Stark: You’re a bastard, you know that? Theon: Do they have sausage rolls? Cercie: No, they don’t. Shame… shame… Jaimie: Seems like a…

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Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

Did you know that 12% of you on this list click through to the Dingle each day?

   That is actually quite an amazing rate. Trust me, the industry standard on click through from lists is actually about 3 percent. So I am doing four times the average. But I have made an incredible breakthrough that I am so excited to share with you.  If you click through on this list today,…

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My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

My Thoughts on Game of Thrones Season 8

By Theon Greyjoy’s Penis   Alright, first of all, keep in mind, I’m a penis. So what does a dick like me know about anything? But just in case you want to hear about it from someone who’s been on the inside (of Theon’s pants at least), then here goes. I think the show misses…

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Second Photo of Black Hole Released

Second Photo of Black Hole Released

For two years, scientists from a global network of telescopes have been attempting to capture the image of a black hole. Today they released the results. “We thought we had seen the unseeable,” Shep Doeleman, the director of the EHT, said during a news conference Wednesday. “But then, unfortunately, from the second photo we saw…

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So Sorry

So Sorry

Poetry by Felicity Huffman       I’m so sorry to all the poor people who don’t cheat and who don’t pay bribes I’m so sorry to all the unfortunates who didn’t get to go to Interlochen like me when they were young I’m so sorry you didn’t get picked for David Mamet’s group at NYU…

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Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

Have Your Friends Lost Interest in Your Blog?

    Lemme guess, were they supportive at first, sending you emails about your stories, how they thought you were funny? But after a year, they are tired of you? You have really clogged up their email with all your spam about your blogs. And frankly, they’re done. Should you take this personally? Hell yes.…

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Is Joe Biden Gross?

Is Joe Biden Gross?

Dear Male Friend, I’m writing you this because I really want your opinion about something. Not about whether Joe Biden is gross, but about something else which I’ll get to in a minute. I think it’s fairly obvious that Joe Biden is gross. And I think it’s obvious that a whole heck of a lot of men…

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Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

Blowin’ in the Wind, Explained at Last

By Nobel Laureate, Bob Dylan Alright, how many times can the cannonballs fly. That’s my balls. They got stuck in my fly, obviously. I guess you probably already knew that. Before they’re forever banned. That’s Ban deodorant, the brand I used back then. I don’t think they even sell it any more. The answer my…

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These Pretty Charts Explain Something

These Pretty Charts Explain Something

  This is filler paragraph leading up to the first chart. Let’s face it, we’re in this thing for the charts. They’re pretty and they are impressive. How do people do these things, that’s what I wonder. None of my software programs have this feature, or maybe they do but I don’t know how to…

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Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Scientists: The Universe Might Be Miniature

Photo by N. on Unsplash Astrophysicists at the JPL laboratory in Pasadena have discovered that the entire universe itself might be a teeny tiny dot buried somewhere absurd, like in the foot of a table in some dining room in a house lived in by gigantic beings of a scale we can hardly imagine. They might be entirely…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

  TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean feelings.…

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Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

Five Fun Things About Being Fired at Fifty

    Well, fired is a strong word. But maybe you were laid off or the company and you came to a mutual…yeah, you were fired. Again. Hey, I’m not saying anything. Don’t read anything into this. It’s just a harmless listicle. Don’t you love those? The bullet point spacing is a real respite from…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

    Dear Manny, I’m confused, two years of investigations and that’s it? There must be something I’m not getting here. Disappointed in DC Dear Disappointed, Here’s the thing, little lady, this investigation has been very confusing to everybody, including the men doing the investigating. I will try to explain it to you so you…

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Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

  Photo by Tapio Haaja on Unsplash “I’m sorry,” said spokesperson Jari Sibelius. “We just can’t accommodate all of these Americans. They will be sent back as soon as possible.” Boats and airplanes were commandeered by the Finnish government to return an estimated seven million Americans who arrived in Helsinki and other Finnish cities after a report by…

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Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

    Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves. Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I…

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The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

  We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on. But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test? For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well,…

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More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

More Sample SAT Prep Questions from an Elite Private High School

  1. fake: real :: a. that picture of me: the rowing team b. my parents supposedly “correct” politics: hypocrisy c. 1400: 1100 2. “The college admissions process is fair.” The word “fair” in this sentence should be replaced with: a. maddening b. broken c. much easier if your parents can make a million dollar…

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Why?

Why?

Poetry by William H. Macy   Why should disabled kids get unlimited time on the SATs When my child has to do it in three hours? Why should you have to actually row If you’re on the rowing team? Why should Bob Dylan win the Nobel Prize and not my friend David Mamet? Do you know…

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Read this Blog in ASMR

Read this Blog in ASMR

    Find a quiet space. Sit down. And then read this paragraph to yourself, in a gentle whisper. ASMR is autonomous sensory meridian response, described as “a pleasant, tingly sensation some people experience in the scalp or upper body as a result of quiet sounds or gentle touch.” If you read this paragraph you…

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I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

      By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

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The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

The Most Offensive TV Movie Ever Made

True stories from Hollywood Mark Jacobson was a pretty hot showrunner for a major network here in LA when he found out the head of the network had made a pass at his 18-year-old daughter, after he got her a meeting for her fledgling acting career. He was extremely pissed. This was after #Metoo, mind…

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Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

Dingle Announces Bible-Signing Event

    Dingle editors, writers and production staff will attend an event next week in the American South where we will be signing bibles to adoring fans of us and of the great sacred text. We are planning this event in order to emphasize our role in its creation. It is true that Donald Trump…

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What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

What’s Next, Massachusetts, banning Tiddlywinks?

    Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Massachusetts lawmakers are busy threatening to ban all youth from playing tackle football, out of concern for head injuries. This is a good idea, right? Protecting our children is what we Moms want. Can you mansplain how there could possibly be a downside to this? Loving Mom in Plymouth,…

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New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

New Merch: Amy Klobuchar Salad Comb Available Now

  The Dingle is offering an exclusive, the very same brand of comb that Senator (and presidential aspirant) Amy Klobuchar of Minnesota used to eat her salad after, hmmmph!, her assistant forgot to bring utensils. We’re not sure if the recent blitz of bad publicity against Ms. Klobuchar is sexism, misogyny, or good old fashioned…

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No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

No Politics, Please, We’re Fascists

  We the moderators, owners, creators of this site, this community board, this yahoo group, this NextDoor thread, this Facebook page, this Reddit sub, this forum, feed, or web site, have decreed: No political discussion whatsoever. We want this to be a fun place. And we can’t handle the disagreement of opinion that ensues once…

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Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

Actor Jeremy Northam Ashamed of His Father, Ralph

“I’m known for playing real assholes in movies” said the British actor, “But this is too much, even for me.” The actor, star of classy British films like The Ideal Husband, said he never knew his father was a Klu Klux Klan member, a Michael Jackson fan, or a blackface Cakewalk performer. “I thought he was…

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Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

Delta and Coke Announce New Flirting Napkin

    “Why not follow your airplane crush down to baggage claim,” the napkin suggests. Some people have claimed that the creepy napkins given to passengers on Delta flights have crossed a line. But Delta and Coke executives are doubling down. “If she doesn’t talk to you in baggage claim,” another napkin suggests, “Follow her…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

  Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Why were men angry about the Gillette Ad? I mean, it just seemed to be encouraging men to call each other out on their gross behavior, didn’t it? Confused Woman in America Dear Confused, You have to be careful about this term toxic masculinity. For instance, if a trans person committed some kind…

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Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

  Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash The strong backlash to the former Starbucks CEO’s announcement of an independent bid for president has led me to question whether his campaign might be fresh roasted before it begins. It’s definitely got a drizzle of something and it’s not caramel, if you know what I mean. On the one hand,…

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

    He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

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Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

  Tim Cook admitted today that Apple engineers were rushing to fix a bug in their Apple ecosystem which reportedly allows users to sit face to face with one another in real time and space talking and relating without any kind of device whatsoever. “It’s embarrassing,” said Cook. “We messed up here. There’s no reason…

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Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

  I am the angry writing teacher. I’ve been reading stories for more than twenty years. About your grandmothers. And trust me…your grandmother wasn’t all that. I’m sorry she’s dead. Really sorry. But does that mean you need to inflict that mess on the rest of the class? What do we care that this was…

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Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

By Joshua Adachi     Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may…

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Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Parents, you’ve all unfortunately felt it. You take the kids out to the latest billion dollar comic book franchise installment featuring a formulaic hero whom you could really not give a shit about and then — Yikes! —halfway through the dumbarama circus you find yourself actually, dare I say it, rooting for the cipher of…

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Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

  I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

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How Safe is Paraguay?

How Safe is Paraguay?

  Photo by Vale Martinez on Unsplash Answered by: Anonymous Pro! Gramm! Er! who, er, knows nothing about Paraguay, January 16, 2019 Hi there. Thanks for upvoting my Quora answer. I’ve made it to the top of quite a few Quora threads with my refreshingly honest outlook on things. How safe is Paraguay? Here’s my answer: How about…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

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Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Bunny Blog #245 According to new guidelines established by the APA, traditional masculinity is toxic because of its emphasis on being strong, being powerful, and being courageous. Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s a very myopic view of traditional masculinity. In the bunny tradition, we men are not strong. Challenge me to an arm wrestling battle?…

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Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Bunny Blog #648   I know one thing — no rabbit has ever attended Harvard University. This could, of course, be because of a phenomenon called self-selection. That means most bunnies know they aren’t going to get in, so they don’t apply. Of course, bunnies don’t usually live long enough to attend any college at all,…

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Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

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Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

  Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

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Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

        “We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

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Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

  Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

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McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

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Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

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Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

  In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

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How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

  Geneticists have confirmed that Homosapien DNA mixed with Neanderthal a long long time ago. But how much of this blockheaded ninny muggins do you have in you? Scientists have devised this simple five-question quiz which reliably determines how beastly you really are. 1. A driver cuts in front of you rudely with his car.…

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Crossing These Friends off My List

Crossing These Friends off My List

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

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Meet My New Best Friends

Meet My New Best Friends

  I’m having a big Christmas party. And these are my friends who are coming. They are the ones who actually spend the three seconds it takes to RSVP. Thanks a lot new friends. One of these will probably be my new girlfriend. She never complains or bosses me. I love her. That one on…

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Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

  Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

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Tom Brady WOAT?

Tom Brady WOAT?

    Fans are now wondering if Tom Brady might be the worst of all time quarterback, after he threw an interception and blew the Patriots game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. “He sucks,” said one fan, Marvin Stayathome. “The Pats should fire him and start that lousy backup, Brian Hoyer.” Fantasy football fan Brian Anger…

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Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong.  But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

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Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

    A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

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Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

    Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

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Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them.  This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

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Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Something very strange is going on in the financial system.  Very strange indeed.  Especially after that burrito lunch.  According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence.  But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town?  This could get ugly fast.  How are you going to eat?  How will pay your rent?  What about healthcare – you know…

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A Plea from Sasquatch

A Plea from Sasquatch

Please, America.  Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you?  Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…

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There’s a Muslim on my flight

There’s a Muslim on my flight

  There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What?  I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something   There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What?  I’m…

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