A Ghost’s Guide to Ghosting

A Ghost’s Guide to Ghosting

A Passive Aggressive Poltergeist’s Tips on Vanishing

by Christine Stevens


Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash

Look, anybody can disappear completely on someone who’s made you angry. That’s becoming invisible. You block their number, unfriend them, and poof you’ve disappeared.

But ghosts are only partly invisible to their enemies. They can still see our vague transparent outline. We’re so see-through that anybody can see we’re mad at them, but there’s really no scientific evidence that we’re sulking.

That’s the balance you want to strike.

It’s kind of like gaslighting. The best ghosting job makes the victim feel like they’re going crazy. Admit it, that’s what you want, isn’t it? Oh, you’re bad.

Fundamental to good ghosting is choosing the right time to “not respond.” The best ways of non-responding:

  1. When they cancel plans, for whatever reason. They text you, say they can’t make it. That pisses you off, of course. Don’t text back, “OK, some other time.” Don’t text them back at all. Oh yeah, they’ll feel your resentment every time they check their texts and you haven’t responded. But they can’t be mad at you — they’re the ones who canceled the plans. Doesn’t that feel good!
  2. An Evite. The place you want to be is in that wonderful category: “not yet responded.” That column is full of other people who are ghosting them — see, you’re not alone! They piss lots of people off. Don’t ever respond to their Evite. And only go to the party if you want to mess with them some more. Shout boo when you see them. See, they won’t know if you’re joking or if you really are ghosting them. And they’ll start to crack…
  3. Send group emails to your group of friends, minus them. And then, mistakenly, reply all to the fifth email from the thread and forward it to them. They will see the four emails they’ve been left out of. But they won’t be sure if it was just one of those “thread” errors. Most people hate email threads because this always happens. You love email threads, because…this always happens!
  4. At the event — the in-person haunting. So you finally ended up at a function or a social event where you see them. Smile and be extra friendly for exactly one minute. Then go get yourself a drink, and make sure to not even look at them or go within thirty feet of them for the duration of the event. Leave without saying good-bye. That will make them wonder if they even saw you at all. They’ll feel ghosted. You’ll feel avenged.
  5. If they ever voice call you, when you answer the phone, click the mute button on and off as you speak, saying “Sorry, I can’t hear you, I think we’ve got a bad connection. I’m in a canyon. I’ll try you back later.” But to them, this will come out all garbled and ghostly. This is what they’ll hear: “Paul is dead. Satan. Satan. Good-bye.”
  6. Finally, late at night, stand on the street below their apartment and go “Woooooo wooooo woooooo.” Then run like hell.

Ghosting! It’s good for you. Although all it accomplishes is proving to them that you’re a big baby, at least they’ll know you’re a scary, ghostly, spooky passive-aggressive baby. So there!

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