Autopsy Finds Bill Clinton’s Handprint On Jeffrey Epstein’s Neck

Autopsy Finds Bill Clinton’s Handprint On Jeffrey Epstein’s Neck

Prince Andrew’s prints found on Epstein’s wrists


Photo by thom masat on Unsplash

A Clinton spokesman denies that Bill Clinton was anywhere near the prison when Jeffrey Epstein died, but apparently his fingerprints tell a different story.

Prince Andrew is well known to be a helicopter pilot. Some conspiracy theorists have speculated that he piloted the chopper that landed in the prison yard shortly before Epstein was found deceased in his cell. And that Bill Clinton was a passenger.

“We got a number of finger prints,” said NYPD investigator Linda Tripp. “It’s possible that Alan Dershowitz was involved, but everybody knows already that he’s a douche — a Trump-luvin’, OJ-defendin’ sack of shite.”

What about Woody Allen, who was rumored to have been a friend of the pedophile Epstein?

“Ronan Farrow is looking into that,” said Tripp. “Maybe Woody had something to hide.”

“I’m innocent,” claimed Allen. “But I’m also washed up. Thanks a lot, son.”

“Don’t blame me,” said Farrow. “Blame Harvey Weinstein. If it weren’t for him, Hollywood scumbags like you would still be preying on innocents with impunity.”

I think we’ve gotten off track a little. To get back to the point, Jeffrey Epstein died of suicide. That’s their story and they’re stickin’ to it.

But something else died a long time ago, in America. Decency.

Bill Clinton, I blame you. You did have sex with that woman, you liar. You did.

Woops, we’re getting off track again. Alright, let’s wrap it up.

Jeffrey Epstein is burning in hell. But he’s also waiting for a few famous friends, whom he is quite certain, will one day be joining him.

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