So You Turned Into A Giant Cockroach — Now What?

So You Turned Into A Giant Cockroach — Now What?

 

First, don’t panic. No, you’re life isn’t over. I know, I know, poor Gregor Samsa  dies in the end— spoiler alert! — but that was 1915.

Things are different for giant cockroaches today. We have evolved as a society. We accept so much more than we did back in the last century. 

We accept you.

Here’s a list of reasons to be cheerful, not depressed, about your new identity as a giant cockroach:

  1. You will probably survive nuclear winter. The rest of us will die. You will crawl around on our graves, feeling smug and victorious. 
  2. You don’t have to work. Back in 1915, Gregor’s boss kept calling and calling. It was awkward. But we now have disability legislation that calls for guaranteed paid leave for anyone going through insect transformation. Enjoy your time off — get a hobby!
  3. Look at this as a personal growth opportunity. Now that you’ve got the body of a hideous insect, you’re no longer going to be hamstrung by personal vanity. Your life can now become about something that matters. Volunteer at a charity. Help clean up the city by eating some of the garbage that’s laying around everywhere.
  4. It’s not a disability — it’s a super power. Try crawling upside down on the ceiling. You’ve never had so much fun, trust me. It’s awesome. 
  5. There are others like you. Where do you find them? Underground, in every city, in grimy places that only true kindred spirits would dare tread. I’m talking real dive bars. Don’t sit at home feeling sorry for yourself. Come and find us. Your tribe awaits you.
  6. Blog about it. There’s nothing so miserable and horrible in this world that can’t be fixed by a nice, light 250–500-word piece of frothery. Blogging is a fun and lucrative way to release tension. And imagine how much faster you can type now that you have 6 hands!
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