The Sexiest Song Ever Written

The Sexiest Song Ever Written

 

“There’s a Hole in the Bucket”

by Christine Stevens

 
 

Photo by MAX LIBERTINE on Unsplash

Some songs are about having sex all night long, for instance, the terrific “All Night Long,” by Lionel Ritchie. But what other song is about having sex for all eternity? You might have missed the innuendo when you heard it as a child. Let me unpack it for you.

“There’s a hole in the bucket dear Liza, dear Liza.”

She’s talking about her pussy, of course

Now before you go accusing me of over-psychoanalyzing the song, I know, sometimes a pipe is just a pipe, a cigar is just a cigar, and a hole in the bucket is just a hole in the bucket.

But the hole in this bucket is clearly Liza’s vagina. I mean, in just a minute he’s going to be sticking things in it. And the bucket? I suppose that’s Liza’s uterus. The uterus is the bucket that will hold the baby, after all. And remember, when the baby is about to come, the water breaks, and spills out of the hole in the bucket. So yes, I’m pretty confident that it’s her vagina.

Anyhow, Henry sees Liza has a hole and he wonders what he should do. I mean, it’s really modern, in a way. Henry is asking for consent.

“So fix it dear Henry,” says Liza.

She gives him her consent.

But Henry wants to be absolutely sure that he hasn’t misunderstood her words. Does she really give her consent for him to fix her hole?

“How shall I fix it?” he asks.

“With a stick dear Henry.”

Now that he has consent, Henry puts his stick in the hole. This is the part of the song where they start having sex. But then Henry is a little frustrated because he can’t get it all the way in. Or maybe he’s worried that he’s going to hurt her.

“The stick is too big, dear Liza.”

It is interesting that Liza doesn’t think the stick is too big. Maybe Henry is bragging about himself a bit. Anyhow, Liza tells him to cut it.

“How shall I cut it?” asks Henry, horrified. All men, you know, have fear of castration. So I imagine at this point in the song Henry loses his erection. Especially when he hears Liza’s answer.

“With an axe, dear Henry.”

An axe? Henry figures he’s supposed to perform some kind of circumcision on himself with an axe, of all things. He’s worried, naturally. So I imagine he is prevaricating when in the next line he claims the axe is too dull. What axe is too dull to cut a penis? Liza tells him to sharpen the axe with a stone.

This is a double entendre.

She is telling him to make his “axe” sharp again by grinding it. Of course, grinding is all you can do if you don’t have an erection. But Liza is hoping his erection will return after a bit of grinding.

“But it’s too dry,” complains Henry.

Typical male, blaming his impotence on the female. OK, maybe Liza is a bit dry. But really, Henry, there are ways to wet a woman, you know.

“Wet it,” she tells him.

“How shall I wet it?” asks the dunce.

“With water, dumbass.”

Put your finger in your mouth. Take a bunch of spit. In other words, wet her.

Henry, playing along with this idea of “watering” her, coquettishly asks Liza how he shall carry the water.

“With a bucket, dear Henry.”

Henry looks at the bucket. He’s good and hard now. He is very aroused.

“There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,” he says.

And she is very aroused herself.

“So fix it, dear Henry,” she says, biting her lip.

“With a stick?” he asks. She nods. He puts it in.

And this goes on, as you can see, for all eternity. Henry and Liza, the song clearly implies, are stuck in an infinite loop of having sex. It’s not clear that either of them ever achieves orgasm. It seems like it’s the beginning of sex over and over again, which I guess wouldn’t be that bad. The beginning of sex is very exciting.

Especially with a stud like Henry with a big old stick!

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