The Temptation of Eve

The Temptation of Eve

Female Desire Comes Under Attack in the Garden of Eden

by Christine Stevens


Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash

Yeah, sorry I have to type this with one hand, cause I’m holding up these fig leaves with the other hand. OMG, I am like totally naked! Why didn’t anybody ever tell me that? I mean, like the squirrels or the little birds? They’ve just been watching me walk around here totally frickin naked! So embarrassing…

Anyhow, TIL that serpents are snakes, I mean they shouldn’t be trusted. This serpent, he told me that it would be OK if I ate the apple from the Tree of Life, even though God expressly told us not to.

I won’t lie — it did taste good. Adam liked it too. We were like totally high for I swear, twelve hours.

Then we came down. I was so cold.

I looked at Adam. You guys won’t believe this. He has a penis and balls. I mean, I guess I knew that, but now suddenly that’s about all I could see when I looked at him — this really ugly penis and this ugly sack.

“Get away from me,” I yelled at him.

And I ran away.

I was really grossed out guys.

But then I looked at myself in the reflection on the pond. You know what? I’ve got lady bits. It’s like that song, My Pussy and My Crack, I don’t know why I never put it together before.

I saw it all in the reflection in the pond. My neck, my back and et cetera! OMG. And I’ve just been walking around paradise like some sort of nudist. I’m like some freak at Burning Man. You guys, I need a shower. I didn’t realize how stanky I smelled.

It’s probably going to be OK. I mean, how is God going to know? We just ate one apple. It’s not like he keeps an inventory. He won’t even know it’s missing, will he?

It’s not like he’s omniscient. Is he?

Wait a minute!

Wait just one cotton pickin’ minute here! Something’s not right…

What if…what if God and this serpent are somehow in on this together. And it’s like some kind of bizarre game that they’ve whipped up, some sadistic fantasy they’re acting out on the cosmos.

Because if you think about it, if he really is omniscient like he says he is, then he must have known that the serpent would tempt me and he must have known how that would turn out. He must have known about this, with the fig leaves and the shame and the self-recrimination. And that I, woman, would get the burden of guilt for all of eternity, being the one who got us thrown out of Paradise.

Typical man! Blame it all on the female. That’s so not cool. I feel really manipulated right now. Kinda triggered…I mean, thanks God, for making me, that was really great of you, so that I could be a little puppet in your pre-determined game.

You know what, I’m not even going to apologize. I’m not even going to hide.

Adam? Get out here. You don’t have to hide in that bush. I know, you’re naked, I can see that. Here, take these fig leaves. Put that big one over your meat and two veg. Good. Now come with me, we’re leaving.

Where to? I don’t know and I don’t care. I just know I’m not staying here with this liar, this hypocrite, this male deity. No, Adam, it’s not paradise. It’s basically the Handmaid’s Tale — dystopia. I want out. I’m going to find the Goddess. She’s out there somewhere, waiting for us, Adam. Remember her? You know, animism. Spirits in the trees. Druids. Fertility rituals. What the hell happened to that and how did we get this white male hypocrite?

Adam, I’m not kidding. I’ll go on my own if you don’t want to accompany me. You can stay with that duality — good and evil, right and wrong. Or you can come with me, into the light, where all the colors merge into one. Thank you U2. So…there’s your choice. What’s it going to be, Adam?

Are you coming or not?


Please follow and like us: