by Christina Stevens


Photo by David Beale on Unsplash

After seeing some of his American Songbook fact checks, I did point out to writer Simon Black that the American Songbook was famously sexist. He then challenged me to write an expose and to strike out the songs forever from the canon of American music which were most egregious.

Unfortunately, the following songs are to be removed from the American Songbook. Yes, it may be sad, because they have nice melodies. But really, take a look at the lyrics. They’re barbaric.

MARIA — West Side Story

I once knew a girl named Maria?

No, you didn’t, white boy. You once knew a woman named Maria. She is a proud Latinx. So shut the hell up. Or if you’re going to say her name, at least overpronounce it in the NPR style! Marrrrrria.

VERDICT: Sexist, racist, and crap. Good luck with this one Spielberg.

It Was Just One of Those Things.

One of those crazy flings? Is that what it was?

You mean it wasn’t sexual harassment or icky male behavior of some sort or another? A trip to the moon on gossamer wings? Did he ask your permission to put the gossamer wings on you or did he just attach them to you? Did you consent for him to ring one of those bells now and then? Or did he just ring them now and then? Get Gloria Allred on the phone.

VERDICT: Could be a big payday for someone.

People Will Say We’re In Love

Don’t sigh and gaze at me…

WTF, dude! You’re violating her personal space. Don’t hold your hand in hers. And don’t throw bouquets at her, you could poke an eye out.

VERDICT: Many verbal and non-verbal cues are being ignored. Almost worse than Aziz Ansari. Not as bad as Louis CK. But pretty bad. Rip this song out of the American Songbook and throw it in the garbage.

And all the rest of the songs

Unless they are accompanied by a trigger warning and an apology.

Let’s face it, all of our grandfathers were sexist pigs. Greatest generation? Greatest generation of pigs. Good with a tune, sure. But pigs.

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