How To Decline An Invitation

How To Decline An Invitation


In A Word, Lie


Photo by Reagan Freeman on Unsplash

The truth is not good enough, sorry. You just want to stay home, that’s the truth. This is true whether they invited you to:


No, you don’t want to go over to their house — it’s far away, they’re boring and drinking destroys your liver.


You don’t want to go to that movie — you want to wait and watch it on demand for 2 dollars instead of 20, OK?


You don’t like theater — especially in this crappy city.


You don’t like live music — why not just watch it on Youtube?


You don’t like restaurants — restaurants are expensive and you’re broke.

But really, the truth is, you’re a home body. You like staying home, OK?

No, that’s not OK. You can’t really use any of the above as an excuse. But never fear, here are some quick and easy ways to lie to your friends when they spring that last minute invitation on you.

1, I’m out of town, sorry.

It’s true, they might drive by your house and see you out front watering your lawn. No worries, another lie — “I just got back, how’s it going! Good to see you.”

2. My mother died. (Thanks Larry David)

I know, this is going to be especially awkward when your mother comes out to visit you and you forget you used her death as an excuse and the person you just lied to runs into you and your mother at Canal Park. Don’t worry. People have incredibly short memories. They most likely forgot. And what are they going to say to your mother anyway, “Aren’t you supposedly dead?” That’s just rude. You’ll be fine.

3. I just had a minor medical procedure and I’m recuperating.

Minor medical procedure sounds icky. It sounds like something either in your crotch or near your crotch area. Gross. They will never ask you about it and they will try to forget they even know you — awesome.

4. You’re pregnant! (That works for men or women, btw, because nowadays when a woman gets pregnant the couple says “We’re pregnant,” as though the babe were somehow….)

Anyhow, congratulations! And then, a built-in excuse for their next invitation — you just miscarried.

5. Sorry, you already have plans.

This is a great one. You have plans. What are these plans? You are planning a coup against Cesar? You are planning an invasion of Russia? You are planning a hit? Yeah, you have plans, alright, lotsa plans. You’re a planner…

6. Sorry, I don’t really like you, have anything in common with you, or enjoy your company.

Um…mabye not that one. But the first five should work.

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