I Married a Meme

I Married a Meme

This is my story

 
by Christine Stevens
 

Photo by Wendy Rake on Unsplash

I met this wonderful Meme online, surprise surprise. Isn’t that where everyone meets their SO these days. But it wasn’t Tinder. It was on Youtube. I found this incredible video of a Haribo Gummy Bear singing “Someone Like You,” and then the camera pans and a crowd full of Gummy Bears pick up the Adele chorus, “I wish nothing but the best for you…”

It was love at first sight for me. I don’t know what the Meme saw in me. Maybe it saw my vulnerability. I was going through a hard time. I had just broken up with my distracted boyfriend Meme. He accused me of being an overly attached girlfriend, ughh I hated that girl. That was an insult.

So when I found “Someone Like You” with the gummy bears, I kind of leaped in, desperate for love.

And I did love him.

We had a great wedding and a honeymoon in Germany where Haribo comes from. I know, a lot of people think he’s from Japan, that’s a common error. We honeymooned in Westphalia, of the ham of the same name, where the first Haribo gummybears, his grandparents, lived. It was nice. But I don’t speak German so I was bored. And then we came back to LA and began our life together and things were good.

It was a few months into the marriage I saw the Bounty paper towel version of the “Someone Like You.” So cute. There is a little dog sitting there in the middle of the Bounty paper towels when the camera pans, and the crowd sings, “I wish nothing but the best for you…whoo.”

One day my husband Haribo came home from work and caught me with the Bounty paper towels.

That was awful.

He forgave me though, and I promised to be true to him. And I was, until the blade of grass. There was a big blade of grass singing the Adele part. Then the camera pans to a field of grass singing the audience part: “I wish nothing but the best, for you.” I felt so nice, out in nature with the grass. But it was more than that.

I guess it’s that line, the wishing nothing but the best…it always gets me. I slept with the blade of grass meme a few times. Then the iPhone Adele caught my eye, the audience of iPhones wishing nothing but the best. I kept it all hidden from Haribo.

Then I was horrified to go online one day and I saw Haribo in another meme.

This time he was singing the Queen song “Ay oh.” And the camera pans to a crowd of other gummy bears responding.

It wasn’t funny.

I was very hurt. We had agreed early on to be exclusively Adele. Of course, I had agreed to be exclusively Gummy. We had both cheated.

It was a mess.

I’m divorcing Haribo now. I want half the Youtube proceeds from all the many millions of views that he gets. I feel like I deserve that. I was with him the whole way.

I’m OK, thanks for asking. I’m not going to date memes any more.

I’m dating cryptocurrencies and it’s totally awesome.

My new boyfriend’s name is Zcash. He wears ripped jeans, rides a motorcycle and is a real bad boy. He’s fun, but kinda enigmatic — cryptic you might say. I never know what he’s thinking.

We’re just having fun. Nothing serious. After all, one day he’s going to crash. I don’t want to get too close.

And anyhow, there’s still a gummy bear shaped hole in my heart left by Haribo.

There’ll never be another one like him.

Never mind.

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