What Those RSVPs To Your Birthday Party Really Mean

What Those RSVPs To Your Birthday Party Really Mean

Unpacking the double-speak of Evite liars

 
 
 

Photo by Helena Hertz on Unsplash

You gave everybody two months notice. Granted, you didn’t fork over the 20 dollars for Paperless Post but you used Evite, which is a reputable service. You invited 75 of your closest friends. You got some yes’s. Those are your real friends. Now, you also got some maybe’s and some no’s, but those “friends” tried to cloak their response in Orwellian double-speak. Never mind, I’m here to clarify how they really feel about you.

NO.

The subtextual meaning of any no response to a birthday party is, of course, rather disturbing. It means, “Your birth and incarnation into this realm of existence was not important to me and I do not in fact celebrate or honor it.”

Of course, you can try to gussy that response up, but the subtext remains. Here are some examples:

1. “Sorry, we already have plans for that night.”

Really? My two months notice wasn’t enough? I’ll tell you what, consider this an Evite for my birthday party next year. That’s 14 months notice. Do you already have plans for that night as well? Gees, you have a busy social calendar. You must be important. Who are you anyway, the Beatles?

2. “Darn, gonna be out of town.”

Out of town? What exactly does that mean? There’s something fishy about the lack of specificity. How ‘bout, “Going to be in San Diego that weekend.” It’s probably also a lie, but I like the effort that the person is putting into it. This “out of town” is lazy. What it really means is “You are not important enough for me to even work at my phony line of bs.” Puhlease!

3. “My sister is visiting us that weekend, sorry!”

What, and your sister hates parties with free food and booze and music and laughter and good times? I’m sorry to hear that, because of course you know she would be invited, right? Please give me her email, I’m going to shoot her a line. Oh, she doesn’t have email? That’s weird. In fact, you’re weird. And you’re now my former friend.

4. “My wife already made plans for that night.”

Um…are you that pussy whipped? And you guys got surgically attached at the hip so now you can never go to separate events? You know what I suggest — therapy for both of you. Or divorce, whichever comes first. And consider this my last communication. Dick!

5. “Would love to be there but…”

That phrase cannot be followed by anything meaningful. No matter what they say next, what that phrase really means is “Would really love to not be there because…” And the because of that phrase is “I don’t really like you.”

MAYBE

You usually get a few of these:

1. “We have something earlier that night but we will try to come after…”

Yeah, earlier? How about I put my party’s start time at 7 AM? Do you still have something earlier? Really? Somebody planned a crack of dawn breakfast at the top of Mount Hollywood so you’ll be waking up at 4 to start hiking? I know, you’re not coming, but you’re a coward. Hate you.

2. “Will try to make it, might be working.”

Working? You? As far as I can see you’ve never worked a day in your life. What exactly are you working at, signing your trust fund checks and putting them in the bank? Asswipe. Go to hell.

3. “Have something but will try to get out of it.”

Something? Hmmm. And then this admission that you are a slightly manipulative, lying sneak —you will try to weasel out of it, will you? Well, if you’re admitting to being a weasel, how do I know you’re not being a weasel to me right now? See, you blew your cover — weasel!

NOT YET RESPONDED

These people I like, actually. They have not yet responded and they will never respond. You know why? They have self-respect. They’re not going to lie. They’re not going to pretend you are important to them. You are unimportant, insignificant and a waste of their time.

So, here’s to the non-responsive.

Oh, btw, non-responsive is a synonym for dead. And you’re dead to me now, you douchebags. Dead! You hear me?

I don’t need anybody to come to my damn birthday party. Except one. You know who? Jack fucking Daniels, that’s who.

“Happy birthday to you!”

Thank you Jack. Thank you very much. Here’s to true friends!

Please follow and like us: