Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

  So before we show you the human carnage, the heartbreaking loss, the awful, awful events as they happened in real time, we’d like to: Sing you this happy song! Tweet tweet! Show you this beautiful car, vroom vroom! Ain’t she a beaut? Ain’t that girl cute? You can skip this ad in a few…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Please Mansplain Toxic Masculinity

  Dear Manny the Mansplainer – Why were men angry about the Gillette Ad? I mean, it just seemed to be encouraging men to call each other out on their gross behavior, didn’t it? Confused Woman in America Dear Confused, You have to be careful about this term toxic masculinity. For instance, if a trans person committed some kind…

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Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

Has Howard Shultz’s Presidential Run Been Decaffeinated?

  Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash The strong backlash to the former Starbucks CEO’s announcement of an independent bid for president has led me to question whether his campaign might be fresh roasted before it begins. It’s definitely got a drizzle of something and it’s not caramel, if you know what I mean. On the one hand,…

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Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

    Clearly the most impressive display at the Las Vegas CES convention of new tech this year was in the men’s room. The convention provided certain stalls with the AI toilet paper, which according to Johnnie Honeypot, founder of rest room robotics firm WC Inc., revolutionizes the experience of wiping up. “You never really…

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

    He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

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Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

  Well, there’s not really much more to the story. Press Secretary Sanders explained yesterday why God wanted Trump to be president. “God is extremely conservative,” explained Sanders.  “He hates, hates, hates, liberals, and any ideology that opposes selfishness.” And yet, the Dingle interviewer pointed out, isn’t there a lot of stuff in the Bible…

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Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

Apple FaceTime Bug Let’s You Talk to Users Face to Face Without Phone

  Tim Cook admitted today that Apple engineers were rushing to fix a bug in their Apple ecosystem which reportedly allows users to sit face to face with one another in real time and space talking and relating without any kind of device whatsoever. “It’s embarrassing,” said Cook. “We messed up here. There’s no reason…

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Yes, I Will Marry You

Yes, I Will Marry You

by MacKenzie Bezos       OMG. This is the happiest moment of my life. Thank you, thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. I will love you forever. Or at least almost thirty years. That seems to be about how long love lasts. But honestly, this was so unexpected. I…

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Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

Nobody Cares About Your Grandmother

  I am the angry writing teacher. I’ve been reading stories for more than twenty years. About your grandmothers. And trust me…your grandmother wasn’t all that. I’m sorry she’s dead. Really sorry. But does that mean you need to inflict that mess on the rest of the class? What do we care that this was…

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Sex in the Age of Consent

Sex in the Age of Consent

  It’s been tough on a bunny, I’ll tell you that. My average afternoon, back in the good old days, I’d mate with seventy or eighty different females in the forest. Now, I have to ask permission to nibble their ears or lick their paws. Plus, there’s all this new emphasis on the pleasure of…

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Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

By Joshua Adachi     Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may…

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Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Have You Been Bullied By Hollywood

Parents, you’ve all unfortunately felt it. You take the kids out to the latest billion dollar comic book franchise installment featuring a formulaic hero whom you could really not give a shit about and then — Yikes! —halfway through the dumbarama circus you find yourself actually, dare I say it, rooting for the cipher of…

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Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

  I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

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How Safe is Paraguay?

How Safe is Paraguay?

  Photo by Vale Martinez on Unsplash Answered by: Anonymous Pro! Gramm! Er! who, er, knows nothing about Paraguay, January 16, 2019 Hi there. Thanks for upvoting my Quora answer. I’ve made it to the top of quite a few Quora threads with my refreshingly honest outlook on things. How safe is Paraguay? Here’s my answer: How about…

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Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

  Calvin Klein provided a glimpse of what the future of men’s underwear could look like by introducing the first smart-phone controlled briefs on Tuesday. The Didgie Tighties, priced at $350, will open themselves when a chap approaches a urinal, allowing the bell end of his cod dangle to pop out into the open air.…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

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Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Psychologists are wrong about “traditional masculinity”

Bunny Blog #245 According to new guidelines established by the APA, traditional masculinity is toxic because of its emphasis on being strong, being powerful, and being courageous. Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s a very myopic view of traditional masculinity. In the bunny tradition, we men are not strong. Challenge me to an arm wrestling battle?…

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Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Is Harvard Really Biased Against Rabbits?

Bunny Blog #648   I know one thing — no rabbit has ever attended Harvard University. This could, of course, be because of a phenomenon called self-selection. That means most bunnies know they aren’t going to get in, so they don’t apply. Of course, bunnies don’t usually live long enough to attend any college at all,…

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Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

It’s the year 2115, but believe it or not, clickbait is still a thing.   In order to arrive at the final destination — a picture of Nadia today as a 154-year-old skeleton — you will have to endure all kinds of tomfoolery. NEXT For instance, is that NEXT the button to push to get to…

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Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

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Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

  Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

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Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

        “We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

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Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

  Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

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High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

  Merlin Burrows, which calls itself a land and sea search company specializing in finding “forgotten or hidden” things, is poised to release a documentary about what it says may finally be proof that Atlanta is real. “We found stunning images east of the town of Douglasville and south of the town of Sandy Springs.…

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McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

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Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

  The ghost of Allen Ginsberg reported today that he was also going to be absent for the oral argument phase of the next round of supreme court cases. “You know I love oral,” explained Ginsberg. “But I’ve had it with Washington.” Mr. Ginsberg explained that the current climate made it difficult even for a…

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Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

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Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

  In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

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How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

How Neanderthal Are You — Take our quiz

  Geneticists have confirmed that Homosapien DNA mixed with Neanderthal a long long time ago. But how much of this blockheaded ninny muggins do you have in you? Scientists have devised this simple five-question quiz which reliably determines how beastly you really are. 1. A driver cuts in front of you rudely with his car.…

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Crossing These Friends off My List

Crossing These Friends off My List

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

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Meet My New Best Friends

Meet My New Best Friends

  I’m having a big Christmas party. And these are my friends who are coming. They are the ones who actually spend the three seconds it takes to RSVP. Thanks a lot new friends. One of these will probably be my new girlfriend. She never complains or bosses me. I love her. That one on…

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Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

  Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

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Tom Brady WOAT?

Tom Brady WOAT?

    Fans are now wondering if Tom Brady might be the worst of all time quarterback, after he threw an interception and blew the Patriots game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. “He sucks,” said one fan, Marvin Stayathome. “The Pats should fire him and start that lousy backup, Brian Hoyer.” Fantasy football fan Brian Anger…

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Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong.  But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

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Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

DIAGORAS: Um…you really exist? GOD: Yes. Didn’t you look at the photo for verification. The one with me sitting on the cloud with a piece of paper saying the date and r/atheism? VOLTAIRE How do we know you’re not just some guy with a fake beard posed on a green-screened CGI cloud? GOD: Well, I…

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Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

    A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

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A Girl Named Absidy

A Girl Named Absidy

  In this interview, we meet a girl named ABCDE (pronounced Absidy), her sisters FGHIJ (pronounced Fudgy-jay) and KLMNO (Kalimino) and her brothers PQRST (Puhchrist) and UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) to talk about their family. (Their dog is called simply Z, which rounds out the alphabet nicely.) ABCDE (Absidy) — We’re just normal kids like any other family. Only…

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Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

(Thanks to Paul D’Acri) We all love “Yesterday” by the Beatles. But the Paul McCartney-penned song has been nothing short of hell for Joeseph Burton, Leeds, England, who has had the song stuck in his head since 1993. “I was listening to the oldies station on the radio,” said Burton. “On came ‘Yesterday.’ I was…

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Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

    Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

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Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

I have always had an amateur interest in biogenetics, so when Crispr first came out, I was one of the first to hear about it from Amateur Gene Editing Quarterly, which I have a subscription to. I promptly ordered one of the DIY kits and began editing the embryo of my first child, Dorotea. My…

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Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them.  This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

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This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

Archeologists have unearthed a cache of new evidence that calls into question everything we think we know about Vikings. I mean everything.. Of course, you know they never wore horned helmets. That was an invention of a 19th century writer. But did you know Vikings loved short shorts, especially made of black leather, and they…

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A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

Dems Flip 186 more House seats, Senate Now in Play After Recounts The Blue Wave was a tsunami, turns out. Trump apparently going crazy stomping back and forth and gnashing his teeth.  Melania is freaking.  Ivanka is crying.  The Trump boys have cancelled their giraffe hunting trip.  Pence is hiding under a bed. Where’s Jared? …

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Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash After winning the election for assemblyman in Nevada’s 36th district, an ebullient Dennis Hof greeted supporters to declare victory and drop a major hint about his presidential ambitions. “Donald Trump, you better watch out in 2020, I’m coming for you,” cried to the victorious former reality TV star and author of “The…

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Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Reclusive Millionaire Warns:  “I Might Have Sharted.”

Something very strange is going on in the financial system.  Very strange indeed.  Especially after that burrito lunch.  According to the Financial Times, Mexican food can indeed lead to an increase in wet flatulence.  But financial planners have often ignored these warnings. Reclusive millionaire Gus Watkins is here to tell you – don’t! Watkins, who…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Probably not, but read on.  You might be surprised. Some people lately have suggested that those healthy brands of toothpaste that they sell at Trader Joes and Whole Foods might be actually worse for you than the regular old Crest or Colgate minty fresh brands. But those people are wrong.  In fact, everything you thought…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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How’s Canada Feeling Today?

How’s Canada Feeling Today?

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me?

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

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The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you.  4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5.  Oh wait! WTF! …

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism.  But how safe are those tattoos?  Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers.  You have to assess the risk for yourself.  There…

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Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash   “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other.  “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road.  “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

  There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men.  The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down.  I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

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The Sapiosexuals

The Sapiosexuals

by Christina Stevens I was instantly interested.  I had never met anyone in Los Angeles who had even heard of the great late French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan.  But at a party in West Hollywood, he said that my comment was very Lacanian. “Lacan himself couldn’t utter his entire theory,” I claimed.  “Because he said the…

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Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

Sportsmanship is Racist and Sexist

By Serena Williams   Thanks a lot Martina Navratilova, for shaming me and marginalizing me even more than I was already marginalized.  Guess what, you can’t hurt me.  What marginalizes me only makes me stronger.   For those that don’t know, the ugly old tennis player from Czechoslovakia (A country that doesn’t even exist by…

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Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open. “She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King.  “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria.  But when men do it, it’s considered…

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How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

How Post-Colonial Are You? Take Our Quiz

1. You have a cleaning lady because: a. You hate cleaning   b. you are too busy to clean   c) people from developing countries are better at cleaning   d) that’s an offensive term – please use something that sounds more innocuous so we can all feel better about ourselves 2. You tidy up before the cleaning…

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Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Microdosing LDS Is A Growing Silicon Valley Trend. But Does It Actually Work?

Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…

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New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app.  “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…

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John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain Has No Comment

John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful.   John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…

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Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

Welcome to the Neighborhood, Larry

The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy.  Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy.  Larry is happy to be here.  He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…

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My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

My Second Phone Call with Elon Musk

MUSK:  This is Elon. ME:  Hi, it’s Simon Black calling again. MUSK:  Who?  Sorry. ME:  I saw you’re going through a tough time in the news.  I’m sorry buddy. MUSK:  Oh, don’t’ pay any attention to that bullshit.  It’s fake news.  Trump is right about that.  I’m not on drugs.  It’s bullshit. ME:  I know. …

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Love and Sex in Frog Town

Love and Sex in Frog Town

 by  Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River?  The spirit of the river had been dead for so long.  But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up.  Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river.  And of course, this is LA, so…

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The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The Feudal Nature of the Internet

The internet is dominated by feudal lords, say Google, Facebook, Reddit, Snapchat etc.  These noble lords have great tracts of cyber real estate which they control in much the same way medieval feudal lords controlled the land in Europe.  These organizations and web sites make strict rules that they enforce within their ecosystem to hold…

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The Chocked Contest

The Chocked Contest

Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked.   The other being a word for penis.  So you see it means choked on a penis.   Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word.  How many of these do…

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Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

Major League Baseball Seeing More Strikeouts than Hits

My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me.  It’s an American tradition.  And look how those softball underhanders whip it in.  I know, it kind of looks stupid.  Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…

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“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

“Borges and I,” by Simon Black

Photo by Sasha • Stories on Unsplash It was quite astonishing to read in the online journal Palimpest the other day a complete reinterpretation of Borges’ most famous story. The literary world has been stunned by the publication of such a bold and deliberate piece of provocation. Whatever the permanent effect on literature that Simon Black’s “‘Borges and I’ by Simon Black”…

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If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash   As pastor here in Los Angeles I get asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. I thought I would take this time out in the weekly church newsletter to attempt an answer. I’ll warn you, though, this is a tough one. I’m…

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Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon   Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…

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Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income

Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town?  This could get ugly fast.  How are you going to eat?  How will pay your rent?  What about healthcare – you know…

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A Plea from Sasquatch

A Plea from Sasquatch

Please, America.  Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you?  Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…

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There’s a Muslim on my flight

There’s a Muslim on my flight

  There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What?  I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something   There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What?  I’m…

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Consent Porn

Consent Porn

Erotic fiction for the Metoo era by Simon Black. “As they collapsed in an embrace on the bed, Jen felt the passion tingling in her sex.  “Make love to me, Pablo,” she cried. “Absolutely,” responded Pablo, his brown eyes blazing with desire.  “Let’s make the preparations.  I’d like you to meet my lawyer, Jeffrey Goldblatt,…

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